245 (still, but whatever)...

Well, the stall continues.  Honestly, I'm really not all that concerned.  I've been dealing with these same 4 lbs or so for the past month.  At least I'm not gaining.


Yeah, it is a bit frustrating, or disappointing, or what-have-you, but as I said above, I'm not gaining.  I suspect that I may be able to hit my October goal of 240 (I think that was the number) by Oct 31st, if only because I'm as broke as the economy for the next few weeks, so I won't be able to afford to over-do anything food-wise.

I do have an idea of what the "problem" is, and it's me.  Lack of real substantial exercise is the majority of it, combined with my continuing problem with eating at night.  Those two things are really only mitigated by one factor: ME.  I have the ability to go get my exercycle back from an ex, but by permission only.  I don't have any real way to transport it, and therein lies the problem.  I'd use a Zipcar, but I don't have the $30 it'd cost for the 2 hours it'd take to go get it.  It'll just have to wait.

Walking in the cold is a real issue for me.  My legs tighten (even with a warm-up), I get all wobbly and tremory, and then--at that point--I'm sorta a danger to myself.  I really want the bike here, so I can just work out regardless of the weather.  Admittedly, it makes me feel a bit trapped at times, but I manage.  I suspect that I'd manage even better while still losing weight, though.

The eating at night thing is a combo issue.  At night, I do get bored and a touch lonely when a partner's not here with me.  Combine that with my herbal medication that I need at night for my spasticity that gives me the classic "munchies" and I have a hard time not eating.  But there ARE things I can do to try and address or confront this issue.  I just sorta haven't lately.  I've been sliding back into that "whatever" place.  Not helpful, I know, but I'm trying to be honest about it.  I guess it's a bit of burn-out.  I've been at this since... May?  Frankly, for me to be burning out now is an accomplishment in and of itself.  Typically, I'd have given up/in much earlier.  Take the victories where you can, Fat Man.

Part of it is also that I'm trying to be gentle with myself, not unlike with zazen/meditation.  If I flipped out every time a thought meandered through my mind while meditating, I'd have lost it years ago.  There's no point in treating yourself, or meditation, that way.  So we are taught that the best thing to respond with is "Hey, cut yourself some slack here.  This is actually kinda hard to do, even when you're GOOD at it.  You'll get no where punishing yourself."  True with zazen.  True with weight-loss.  I see that pretty clearly.

I wanted to go to GVZM's "Mindful Eating" retreat, but I don't have the cash.  I'd like to, really, but I'm still trying to get my financial pins underneath me again after the major hit the wallet took from the Wisconsin visit.  I'll do the next available one, sometime in 2011.

All in all, I still feel good about where I am.  About 50lbs lost.  Staying off.  I still have piles of work to do, but that's as it always is with anything worth the results.

243.2 (And almost all quiet on the Gallbladder front...)

First off, that number will most likely tick up a bit, as it is an "on empty" reading.

Anyway, the gallbladder's finally quieted down.  To say that I've learned my lesson about 9pm mochas is not stating it emphatically enough, to say the least.

A quick word on the shiritaki noodles:

OMFGLOWCARBPWNIES!!!!!  These things made for the BEST pho!!!  Seriously, I was stunned.  Just like rice stick.  I was pleased beyond words, and at one point, I did--in fact--tell JB "Sssssh.  I'm slurping noodles, and I don't want to spoil the moment with words."  My friend TKW educated me on preparation, and the key is shocking them with boiling water to get the funk off them.  After that, you're golden.  Before that, you're pretty sure that spoiled, rancid tuna had been involved in the manufacturing or packaging process.  CCK ran out and got them the night after my TXT review and has used them as well.  The future's bright...

243.8 (on gallbladders and [a] Dharma exercise...)

Well, I'm gonna cop to some stupid stuff here.  Last week, my dear friend TKW was here for dinner.  She biked in, and we had Ahi tuna steaks on the grill.  I started telling her about the low-carb Uber-Mocha I've devised, and we decided that it would be a great idea for me to make one... or two.  So I wound up having a mocha with her... at 9pm.

I woke up with my gallbladder trying to punch its way out of my torso -via- my rib cage.  It's done this before with coffee late at night, but I thought that since it was a low-carb version, I wouldn't get that sugar dumping thing again.  Wrong.  Anyway, it seemed to quiet down a bit later that day, and I just thought I'd try and muscle through it.

Fail.

Last night, CCK and I were headed to a zen event I was in charge of running.  We needed something to eat on the run, so we swung into the Hawthorne Fish House.  Great food, and very lightly fried--not in batter--but brown rice flour.  It's about as low-carb as you can get and still be considered a fish fry. 

Fry.

I'd totally spaced on the "fried foods" thing and ate a goodly share.

Oi!  The pain really started to hit me about an hour afterwords.  By the time we got back from the event, all I could do was make pathetic noises and grunts.  The thought of moving hurt.  On a 1-10 scale, this was easily a 7.5, and I haven't been there in a long while.  I took some medicine, including naproxen sodium and settled into a very fitful and painful sleep.

I woke up feeling considerably better today, and had no trouble working the workshop that followed.  I actually made cheese omelets for the crew this morning.  Had mine, and a pork sausage patty.  Had fish tacos for lunch.  Then about 3pm, it hit again.  This time it's about a 6.o, and naproxen is back in me.  More medicine to come.  We'll see how it goes.

But the nice thing I had happen today is that I just visited the scale, and I'm down to 243.8!  Admittedly, teh angry gallbladder is a very effective diet, but I don't think that's really it.  I have been eating, but I think the ANA is starting to work again.  They called it: if you stall, just hang in there.  Well, that is being road-tested, to be sure.

Today at the event I was "runner" for, I had a staring contest with a multi-grain cracker.  I won.  Ditto with the hummus, and the apples, and the pears, and the cookies.  But of all of them, the cracker was my greatest challenge.  I even cut up an olive ciabatta.  Not a crumb went into me.

This new strength--this internal fortitude to say 'no'--is so new to me.  At times, I wonder where it's coming from.  Is this really me doing this?  Is this really me who's now lost (depending on where I start counting) over fifty pounds?  Ten of which came off while I was on vacation?  To Wisconsin?!  And if you go from my highest weight (340) nearly a hundred pounds!?  I won't count that number, because that was way back in 2001, but I'll damn sure take the fitty.  That is a real accomplishment, and for the first time in this entire practice--this entire proccess--I'll say this:

I'm proud of myself.

Tonight, JB is coming by.  I took a carcass from a roasted chicken and cooked it with a leek, an onion, a shallot and a few other things along with star anise, cinnamon, clove, coriander seeds and all that whatnot, and will be making phở gà--or Vietnamese chicken soup--my favoirtist soup EVAH.  I'll be road-testing the Shiritaki noodles in this.  Picture and report to follow.