Saturday, July 9, 2011

227 (The New Frontier...)

Well, it's official: I've never weighed this little in my adult life.  I have an old driver's license from back in the late 80's that lists me as 260lbs.  Back at the beginning of high-school, when I was playing freshman football, I remember weighing in at 230lbs.  15 years old, 5'9" and 230.  I should have been ashamed then.  Actually, I was, but that's a different matter, I suppose.

Frankly, I don't have much room in my life for shame.  I find it a really counter-productive and useless feeling.  It doesn't really bring out good things.  Admitting when you did something or someone wrong?  Good.  Wanting to make things right?  Good.  Shame?  Meh.

Frankly, shame has actually helped perpetuate my lack of weight control.  It has perpetuated and exacerbated the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness that have kept me turning to food for comfort, the tiny feeling that comes from not being able to do what others apparently have no trouble doing, and that's staying in control.  When it comes to addiction, shame really does more damage than anything else.

More than anything, I just feel kind of dumb.  Not in a hyper-critical way.  More in a "Wow, I get it now.  How did I not see this, not grok this, not understand this all this time?" sort-of way.  Be active, eat properly and in the right amount, and weight just kind-of falls in place.

It's not that this is effortless.  I've actually worked rather hard--diligently, even--to get here.  But I've had to do so to un-do the badness that excess has wrought; to get back in alignment with my body.  It makes me wonder what life would have been like were I to have simply grok'd this back when I was young.  That's just as it goes, though, I suppose.  20/20 hindsight and all that.

Anyway, the work continues.

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