Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A real 268, and it is comforting...

Nice. That means I am truly under 270 for the first time since about June. It feels really good. Moreover, it feels good to be in control again. It is a never-ending amazement to me just how pernicious "food as a comfort" is in life. People can and often do say that that's programmed into us, and in a sense that is true, but at the sam time, it also indicates a willingness to be a victim. If I know that eating to comfort myself is bad for me over-all, and I am alone with no one encouraging me to do either this or that, then it all lands squarely on me, doesn't it? Yes, tubby, it does.

But food as comfort is very powerful. Hell, iconic. Paula Dean build her fat-laden artery-clogging empire on it! But there are ways to translate that comfort from something uplifting but unhealthy into something that comforts both the heart and the body.

My daughter often stops by with a plea for me to feed her. She lives the typical hand-to-mouth existence that so many 20-somethings do these days. She works at a local fast-food chain that actually specializes in higher-quality fast food: free-range beef with no anti-biotics, high-quality ingredients, and local, seasonal offerings. As far as fast-food goes, it's pretty good. But the food for here there is not FREE. She gets a discount, but everybody's belts are tight right now. So "Can I has foodz" is a pretty common txt message plea I get. Her boyfriend--a champ of a guy--also sits at my counter pretty frequently. He's turning into a bit of a foodie working as a prep-cook and server at a local large-chain grocery store in town. He and I talk about food a lot. I share the same wisdom with him that I shared with my daughter while growing up (that she was at one point in time sick of hearing, but now really appreciates knowing) which is; "Understand that you and your food share a much greater connection than just 'plate, fork, mouth'. I teach him the same things: even if you're broke, 'cheap' food is cheap for a reason, and typically not a good one.

Last night I was on dad-duty, having been asked to make "comfort food" because her wisdom teeth are coming in, and they asked if I'd fix a squishy dinner: perogies and hand-made Hungarian-style seitan sausages topped with fried onions, vegan sour cream and ajvar. After the plates were clean, and she was basking in fullness with no jaw pain, she said "At the worst time in my life, I'd think about you and your cooking." I nearly started to cry. Then he made it worse by saying "Only my mom every made me feel this cared-for, and she wasn't half the cook you are."

I'm a good cook. Not a great cook. I know this. I'd fail at culinary school for a dozen different reasons. I cook because I love to make people happy. I cook because I need to eat, and no one is better suited to prepare something I'm willing to eat but me. My ethics are taken into account, from the store to the farmer's market to the cast-iron to the table. But to have that simple love from two people expressed so earnestly and simply is humbling. And to have the food be something that is healthier than any alternative they can get, yet be so satisfying to them just makes me feel better about it.

I was a strict vegan for nearly three years, and the vast majority of my meals are still, in fact, vegan. Living that way was an awesome and humbling lesson in food politics and ethics. I'm not a vegan anymore, and that is an even greater lesson. I will always respect my vegan brothers and sisters for their motivation to live their life that way, and it would be a much happier and healthier world were more people to at least TRY veganism. But two of the people in my life whose ethics I respect the most--my Dharma teachers--are not vegan. On retreat last March, I had a realization about my path. Those two people--healthy in mind, spirit and body--are not averse to eating things that at one point in time I eschewed for mostly ethical (virtually moral) reasons. And I suddenly realized the path for me: If they can find a point of balance and ethical moderation with certain ingredients and dietary inclusions, so can I. That's my lesson. That's my path. I need to find the middle way...

No matter how hard we try, we won't make the world a vegan planet. Yet at the same time, constantly eating any damn thing we want all the time like it's our birthright is the wrong end of the spectrum. And for as many vegans as their are showing the utility and practicality of a vegan diet, there should also be people who are willing to be closer to the center, showing that you can be healthy and happy by practicing simple mindfulness and moderation, and not necessarily abstinance. People who practice thanking the chicken for an egg every time it's included. People who are mindful that suffering has occurred in the most conscientious of dairy farming, and the cheese carries that karma, and they willingly take that karma on as a way to balance the karma of the world, thanking the cow, and the local farmer, actively in the process. People who use soy cheese so that they may have real dairy cheese once in a while as a treat, not a right. People like my kids, who are willing to learn about using just a little less, so that they can appreciate other things just a little more when it happens, and yet still feel comforted and sated. People like my teachers, who are more mindful of their connection to food than anyone I know.

And people like me, who are trying to show that there is a center, and there lies balance. People like me. Trying to find balance. I, too, must be a teacher. I, too, must be an example. If more people were like me, literally billions of lives would be spared, both animal as well as human. No, not as many lives as if we'd all be vegan, but the reduction of suffering is, and can never be, a unilateral deal. We must start somewhere, and we must live a realistic life. I have lost weight just by being reasonable, and enjoying things in (albeit strict) moderation. And it serves as both lesson as well as practice.

And I am grateful for both.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

266-ish (again, again)...

The changes I've been making are once again working. It's always the two things: diet and exercise. Always. I have been riding the exercycle almost every day. 20min sessions. Typically at least two sessions, but my stamina is back up, so often it's three, so that's 60min on the bike. It's beginning to make a few funny sounds and some grinding, so I think maintenance is in order. The last thing I need is for that thing to "grind to a halt". The rains are here now, and soon it will be really hard for me to get out of this flat, so that bike will be an indoor life-line to exercise when I can't get out and walk.

I'm back to having more energy, which is nice. It's amazing what that 15lbs feels like on me now and what it does to me. I'm really looking forward to getting back into the 250's again. My "goal" is the same: 250 by the new year. That's actually pretty reasonable (again). If it's so damn reasonable, then why haven't I ever made it? Hmmm?

The 266 may or may not be real, but at least is appearing to be for the past few days. I've had a few "cheese parties" the past three days or so, but at the same time, I've been very conscious of what I've had, and make sure to do 60min bike totals the days after. Fortunately, the cheese is now gone... ;)

Interestingly, my sensei hit me with something this past Sunday while doing my sanzen interview. I'd told him that I was doing okay, and wanted to ask him if I could start practicing with a koan. He said "I understand why you want to, but right now, I think the best thing for you to do is start being mindful of food." This really struck me, because I had actually begun that very practice about a week before-hand. "If you want to couch it in a koan form, ask yourself this: 'Who is it that craves? Who is it that hungers?' Explore that..."

And that is a very powerful practice, and one that I have wrestled with my whole life. It will be interesting to see where it leads me. I have an intellectual answer that jumps to the front of my mind, but as is typically the case, it's almost always the "not right" answer.

I am signed up for a week-long seshin the 3rd week of November. It's a "generosity seshin", and everything eaten is donated. I plan on making 48 seitan sausages (both links and patties) to contribute, along with dry goods.

I am looking forward to the ōryōki meals again. It's so nice to eat this way. Eating as a team. Eating as one hunger, with all needs met by your dharma brothers or sisters handing you everything you need, and you passing it on. All you have to do is focus on the sensations and flavors, and rest in the support that the sangha provides. Talk about gratitude.

This kind of generosity is more humbling than I can possibly describe....but know I deserve. That's because we all deserve this.

How sad that we have allowed ourselves to forget what is truly our birthright: Health, happiness, peace, joy and the support of family/sangha. I won't lie and say that I'm not looking for the weightloss aid that a week at the monastery will help out with, but honestly, as nervous as I may be about my first week-long seshin, what I look forward to the most is simply being held in that great vessel--that safe place--where, no matter what, I will be with those who love and care for me, and support me simply for who I am, and my willingness to be there as part of something greater than any of us alone. Everything you need is there, and in just the right amount. Truly. "Just enough..."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The beginning of the numbers...


  • 1 large sesame bagel: 375
  • 1/4 cup Tofutti cream cheese: 240
  • Mocha: 300
Notes: Obviously, the breakfast regiment has to change. Way the hell too many empty carb and fat calories...

  • 30 min Exercycle: -434
  • Smoothie 1 banana, 12 strawberries, 20 almonds, 2 scoops protein powder, 2 cups soy milk. Drank half now. Calories to be determined.


Well, I had a pretty decent day yesterday. Did 25min on the bike to start with. I walked a lot yesterday. Started by walking down to the Belmont library a mile from here, then took the bus to TJ's and got a high-protein smoothy base, plus salad fixins. Didn't really think about how heavy and bulky the bag would be bringing all that stuff home with me; big container of powder, 4 avocados, thing of cherry tomatoes, this, that, etc. I wound up having to shove the sprout container into my pocket. I'm sure that didn't look odd at all. Got back to the flat, unloaded, and then had to hit the road again rather quickly to go do a radio listener survey. I essentially listened to an entire day of KGON in 90min. Got paid $50 for doing so, though.

The trip home was awful. Fall/Winter is here, and the rain is starting. This is going to make the no-car life pretty tricky. How am I going to walk safely in the winter time? I'll find a way. I think I'm going to head to Mt. Scott community center and check out their weight/fitness room and maybe talk to a trainer. I'll also fill out a sponsorship/scholarship thing. Fat is costing me my life already; I can't have it cost me my wallet, although I'd be interested in seeing metrics on how much the dollar cost is to being fat. Anyway, the goal this week is to finish at 270 by Sunday. The big goal is to hit 250 by January 1st. That may or may not be reasonable. Then again, I may or may not be reasonable myself at this point...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

4 months later, 276-ish...

It's been a hard summer. I won't run down the details, but suffice it to say that I put back on about 10lbs since July. I've been much more active, but still not enough. I sold my truck back in August, and have been walking a lot more as a result, but I've also been eating a lot more things that are unhelpful to me--mostly refined carbs and starches. They're on their way out.

This is going to be really challenging. Winter's on its way. Who ever looses weight in winter?

It's gonna have to be me.

Friday, July 10, 2009

266-ish (again)...

Been a while. The new relationship is settling down now into a bit of a decent routein, which is good. I put on some weight while making comfort foods while staying with AK at her business partners' place for 10-or-so days, but it came back off pretty quickly.

I'm still being pretty responsible with my eating, which makes me feel good. I just don't feel driven to mollify emotional states with food anymore. AK noted last night (with some mild displeasure) that I had no sweets or baked treats in the flat. "No, I don't. I find it hard to be responsible about them, so tend to not have them at hand," I said. I believe that's in my best interest, at least for now. I don't want to put on weight. It's that simple. Snacks & sweets are a killer to me, so I do what it takes to keep them at bay, and I do that by... keeping them at bay.

I do need to start walking/exercising again, but don't feel too bad about taking some time away from it. It will be there for me when I start ramping back up.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Back to 270-something...

Well, I've allowed myself the luxury of putting a few back on eating a bit of comfort food with my girl. You know, those recipes that help people learn who you are when times get bad, and what it takes to sooth your soul. But even though, I still feel more in control of the eating. I will be getting back on the wagon/horse soon. We're house-sitting for her business partner, and she was ill the last two days, so there was much sitting about. I haven't been walking in weeks (shame on me) but we're still in that spend-most-of-our-time-together mode. We have recently mentioned this to each-other, and are planning some time apart to stabilize the dynamic. It will get evened out, as will I. But as for right now, it feels good to let go and celebrate a bit.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Which is fine, actually. I'm relaxing a bit with the weight-loss, mostly because I need the food for energy. I'm running ragged these past weeks, which is 90% for the good. Splurged and purchased my vitamins again because I know that their absence was contributing to this feeling of running on fumes. Happy, excited fumes, but fumes none-the-less. I haven't been walking like I was, and I plan to get back on that soon, but right now, I think I may be getting as much exercise as I used to simply by keeping up with the manic pace of my life. I still think 250 by August is completely reasonable and do-able.

The change in life may bring something I'd written off: Fatherhood. The thought makes me both excited and fearful, but I know I still want it. I always have. But what it means is that I MUST get this weight off. If I think I'm tired now, imagine what being a 50-year old father of a 9-year old child will be like, dude?

Saturday, June 13, 2009

And suddenly, 263-ish!

So much has happened in the past two weeks! I've just been running non-stop. This isn't the "life" blog, so I'll skip the details, but the details are part-and-parcel of the weight-loss. I haven't even been doing my daily walk, and STILL dropped weight. Regardless, it's all good.

But the majority of it is the eating. I'm back in control. I must eat 40% or less of what I used to. Even at that, I bet I'm still getting 1800kcal a day, so that says two things: 1) I can live on a reasonable amount, and b) what I was eating was way beyond reasonable. It feels so damn good to not feel like I'm a victim of my self and my inability to exert control in this area. It just feels good. I can dance again. I can walk again with much less effort. I look better. Women are flirting with me! A few women are even jealous OVER ME. I mean seriously, this has never happened to me in my life.

It's wonderful...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Holding at a good place. Not much time to write. The new GF was here from Fri evening through Monday afternoon, then I spent the night there last night. Sorta running ragged, but the good news is, I still don't feel the desire to over-eat. That's so freeing.

More later...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Weightloss gives me...


272.0. Still holding the line. Cool. I did expect to put back on the dance loss from the crazy weekend. That was mostly sweat. So to see 272 after two days of eating "normally" is encouraging. I know now more than ever that the weight-loss is real, and I have real traction now. All I had to eat yesterday were two cold-cut wraps, some hemp-seed chips, about a half a cup of humus and 3/4 of a bottle of Corona. Probably 1200 cal. Hunger isn't really bothering me all that much. I'm in that place now where I can just ignore it.

But this insomnia thing; oi. It's partly due to the weight-loss; the different energy level and the change in metabolism. But it's also due to a girl. I can't stop thinking about her, and no matter how damn tired I am, if I wake, I get that NRE head-spin, and boing! Awake and alert.

I think I'm going to do my walk here in the early dawn. Get it done before it gets hot again.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Dance, fat-boy, dance!

270.8 this morning, but it was after an absolutely k-razy weekend that saw me and a SO at two major dance events, The Crystal Method @ The Roseland, and the Beloved Presents fundraiser, week two, featuring Jujuba, Medicine Drum and Ganga Giri. By 2am, I was wasted tired, and some dude stomped my foot, twisting my ankle, but up until then I was a pretty hard-core dancing fool. Back to the weight: it's already ticked back up to about 272 after rehydration and meals today, but I so don't care. Had a great weekend with my sweetie, and life feels good. I feel so much more in control now.

Two more shows this month at a minimum: Peter Murphy on Wed, and then another rump-shaker: SHPONGLE the week after. There is no question to me that dancing is my favorite form of sweat exercise. Well, second favorite, but whatever...

Friday, May 29, 2009

What a wonderful world...

273.6! I feel so much better! I love the motivated feeling. I now have even more motivation. Went on a fabulous date last night that turned into a fabulous date here @ D-Flat. Pretty innocent. Well, "innocent" in my world, anyway. No nekkidness. There. Anyway, I now have yet another reason to keep up my good work. She's perfectly fine with who I am, but I want to be better. I want to go do more things. Be active. Go out. I want to hike. Swim more. Get better. Be what I've always wanted to be.

I now have two beautiful women in my life. If anything, I need to get my ass in shape just to keep up.

Food yesterday? Barely had time for it. Had a bacon, egg, cheese and bagel sammy, then had a scant bit of humus plate with date last night over a beer. A bit carby, but no gain. No walk yesterday either, but energy burned cleaning and tidying the flat. Damn glad I did.

Very dance-intensive evening tonight and tomorrow night as well. I think maybe if I do this right, I may be able to dance my way past 270 by Monday. I'm not really setting that as a goal, but with the way things have been going, I think it's a real possibility. It is, without question, the second best exercise there is ;)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Getting better... over night!


I am really pleased. That should go without saying, but there; I said it! I have been trying, and it's been paying off. Interestingly enough, I haven't been trying all that hard, and it's still paying off. At times I get a bit nervous that if I try really, really hard: throw everything I have into this, that when I plateau in the 260's or somewhere that I won't have the energy or enough physical ability back yet to take it to another level to get over the hump. We'll see.

I think the breakfast ritual needs to change. I typically have exactly the same thing for breakfast every day. Part of that is helpful; I don't go over-board with breakfast, nor do I spend lots of time thinking about it. I have a bagel with Tofutti BTCC, some dill shake and my mocha. But the bagel is high-carb, the BTCC, vegan as it may be, is fat with a touch of protein, and the mocha, while vastly less negative an impact as a commercial variety, especially fat-wise, is still pretty carb-o-riffic. I need to start concentrating on protein. I think we're headed to smoothie-ville.

Although today due to lack of BTCC, I made myself a bagel, egg & bacon breakfast sandwich, which was damn tasty. My buddy made the seitan bacon, and while he thinks it's sub par, I think it's great. Plus, he gave me two pounds of the stuff. Yeah, it's carb-riffic, too, but seeing as I only have two pieces of the stuff, I'm not so worried. The egg stuff is almost nothing but protein. If I switched to a sprouted grain bagel, that'd really be decent.

I'm thinking of starting to track all that I eat. As the weight-loss continues on, knowing my caloric deficit and my nutrition numbers will become more and more important to me, and this process. But also, having it there--having everything I eat laid out in front of me--will help in mindfulness. It is all rooted in mindfulness.

Everything is...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Getting better all the time...


Just got back from the walk to 39th & back. That's just enough to really make me work. Start going down-hill to loosen everything up, then a gentle grade going slowly up-hill to the light at 50th, then a real bit of a climb back up Mt. Tabor to my flat. About 1.6mi, so sayeth Google maps. Come into the flat in a serious huff & puff. I will not lie and say I'm not enjoying the central a/c of D-Flat! Also not lying when I say that I'm starting to enjoy the exercise again. Why oh why do I ever stop doing this? Then again, why do I ever start doing things that make me feel terrible? Maybe some other blog...

Doing okay with the food. My kid asked to crash here last night after having a stressful run-in with her roommate-who-wants-to-be-her-boyfriend, and asked for a pre-crash snack. I'd made the Big Burger with Egg for dinner, and she called at like 10pm, right as I was wrapping up things and heading for bed, so a snack was sorta against my stated policy of not eating after dinner, but we had chips, salsa, vegan sour cream, rice and jalapenos ("deconstructed nachos", essentially). I tried to be good. I was slightly less than good, but only slightly. Was no change in weight this am, so no harm/no foul apparently.

I can feel my metabolism starting to get some traction again, almost like lighting the pilot light on a furnace. Nothing happens without a flame. I also feel my desire to over-eat and stress eat ebbing away again. Thank god. That felt awful. I know I was eating from a place of sadness and loneliness, but that feeling of "out of control" is just awful. I feel like I'm the one behind the wheel again.

Some of the positive control comes from knowing it works. My ex dropped something like 140lbs just from will-power and exercise. She will always be an inspiration to me that way. Part currently comes from my current girlfriend, who's lost about 60lbs so far. She's a bit less inspirational in the regard that she does so by eating meat, which I'm still not jiggy with, but at least she respects my want to do the weight-loss with non-critter protein. But I want to look better for her, and be more attractive to her. That's not only fair, but helps strengthen our relationship, which I value.

But then suddenly, I have yet a new motivation. Someone I've always found very attractive and had a mini-thing for spotted me on OKCupid. She works just down the street. We always talked about getting a drink together. We look at each-other's profiles and see how much we (a-hem...) "have in common". We're gonna catch a beer together tomorrow after she gets off work. This actually makes me feel rather attractive again (in my own unconventional way). I've been feeling really ugly lately, and this just makes me feel like there's hope.

And I know there's hope. I just need to stay serious about this. Like the poem said...

“How shall I a habit break?
As you did that habit make.
As you gathered, you must lose;
As you yielded, now refuse.
Thread by thread the strands we twist,
'Till they bind us neck and wrist.
Thread by thread the patient hand
Must untwine ere free we stand.”

-John Boyle O'Reilly

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Goin' down. Down, down, down, down, down...

277.8 this morning. That feels good. I already physically feel better. Thank whomever. Actually, thank ME.

I've walked three days in a row, but will take tonight off. Was planning on it, but something suddenly came up. I used Google maps and discovered that the walk I'd been thinking I was doing that was a half-mile each way is more like 4/5ths of a mile, so my "mile walk" has been closer to 1.6 or there-abouts. That actually sorta makes me feel good.

Ate responsibly again, even though my GF and her OBF were talking about the desire for KFC. Used to love the stuff. Probably still would. Won't go back there.

I had my boiler-plate breakfast. Didn't eat anything all day until after I got home. Made a veggie burger with light mayo, cheese, my friend's vegan bacon (which turned out pretty well) shredded lettuce, K&M, and decided at the last minute to make a RediEgg patty. 0 fat and 0 cholesterol, and about 5-6g protien. I figured the protein would be a good addition, especially since it's a no carb, no fat addition. My intestines are a bit unhappy about it, though. We'll see how that goes.

I kinda plan on really ramping up the walking once I get down to about 270. If I remember last time around, that was a plateau that I found hard to get past/over/off of, so...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

There; that's better...

Back on my real diuretic. Without it I ballooned up to 291, even with taking OTC water pills AND watching what I eat. That was about as depressing as could get. Now after being back on them for three or four days, I'm back down to 279.8. It's good to see two-seventy-anything again. It feels good going in the right direction again. I was talking eating/weight-loss with TKW the other night, and we agreed that at times "not-negative" progress is still progress. You've progressed beyond what you'd usually do, which is back-slide. No matter what, it still feels good.

Will make sure to go for a walk today.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

This is so damn irritating...

WEIGHT: 291!

Been better with the food lately, yet putting back on weight. Did get my dieuretic back. Hopefully that will help.

I just have such trouble not eating after dinner. I really need to get on that.

Simply. Must. Not.

I went to the pool yesterday and did a water aerobics class. Awful. I wish they wouldn't do the "let's do 80 different movements, and switch between them all every three seconds..." Seriously, I don't get any real cardio that way. The gal's up there going a hundred miles an hour, and I can't get a rhythm going or any kind of burn. Honestly, I think I'm just gonna force myself to walk more. Actually, I need to go do that soon. Beautiful day out. No reason not to.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Know what sux?

Gaining weight when you've eaten even better than you normally would have.

I'm off my BP diuretic while I figure out the whole Medicare/Medicade prescription thing. I've been REALLY GOOD with food lately. Yet I have GAINED SIX FUCKING POUNDS OF WATER.

Seriously, this sux...


Just filled said prescription out-of-pocket. I am NOT happy about gaining a pound a frackin' day even though I'm watching what I eat!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Actually did something today...

Mowed my GF's lawn. It was about 82f and very sunny, so I got in a good sweat. Then again, I can break a sweat by thinking about work at this point in my life. Check that: at any point in my life. It's one of my greatest embarrassments. Granted, since I suffered a neck fracture at 15, it's been worse, but honestly, it's always been 90% from the weight. I damn-well know that.

I remember as a pudgy kid, I was generally a rather active boy. Biked everywhere I went, walked, ran, played Little League baseball. Admittedly, I was still a bit of a quitter; dropped out of Freshman football, (hated running long distances). But that fall, I played inter-mural softball. But the accident stopped everything cold. Immobile for months. Every muscle I built just turned to jello.

But I know that I've kept myself there, or here, I suppose. I need activity. I need to go someplace where I can just sweat. Sweat and not care about it. Sweat it off. Sweat and let it pour out of me like poison.

I'm thinking about joining a support group or three. I think I've realized that I need that help.

This hurts, but...'s time to start this.

I'm fat and I'm miserable. I hate the fact that I put back on all the weight I lost 2 years ago, and I hate myself for being so damn weak. I am careening out of control again, and I feel like at any moment I'm going to hit the curb, flip and roll over the cliff. At times, sadly, that sounds like the best alternative for my life. 41, no job or real viable career, divorced, disabled, unattractive, unwanted and unloved. The weight has always been there as an issue. More than that, it's a metaphor for my life. It's everything I should accomplish, yet somehow or for some reason don't. It is the illustration of the failure that is my life.

I am okay with calling myself a failure at this point, mostly because it's quantitatively true. It's not a measure of me as a personality; I know I'm a good and worthy person. But I have not accomplished nearly as much as I should with my life. The weight is just there as a big fat exclamation mark on that sentence.

I must take up this challenge. If I don't, I'm gonna die way too early, unfulfilled and unhappy, and I don't want that. I don't deserve that. I can't let that happen.

Today is Sunday, and I make vegetarian sausage egg & cheese biscuits & hash-brown pucks for breakfast. I usually have 2 of each. Today I had 2 hash-browns but one biscuit. Even the small effort is *something*. I've been doing a bit better with the food lately, but honestly, I think I may need to go back to eating a near-vegan diet. That and cut the fat and simple carb out. Peanut butter has to go; I can't stay in control with that stuff around. I finished the small jar I had, only to find that EX had packed a large remnant tub in with some of my things. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to throw it out. Hate to waste, but I know damn well that if it's after 8pm and it's in the flat, I'm gonna eat it. Exercise control wherever I can, even if it's throwing something away while I feel strong enough to do so in order to protect myself from myself when I feel weak later on.

Exercise is next. I MUST start walking again. And moreover, I need to swim. It was without question the best exercise for me. $4 a swim though. For someone with no money, that's a killer. The Parks and Rec department here say that there are scholarships available. I think I'm going to apply. Even if I can get the rate cut in half, that'd help. I'd like a year pass. I'd like to just make that my full-time job for a while. Drop 30 in a few months--I can do that. I just need to try. I'd feel like I did a few years ago; capable, healthier, more attractive, less dead--inside and out.

I'll pursue that scholarship thing, but in the meanwhile I think I'll go scout which rec center I want to go to regularly. I hate the namby-pamby water aerobics classes for older ladies. I like shallow water best--my disability plus all this weight makes deep water aerobics too damn hard. Shallow lets me get in there and really hammer--really pound and I don't need to worry about tripping and falling, sweating and overheating, being too far from the bathroom and all that biz. It's the perfect exercise environment for me. I just need to start. Like this blog. I just need to start.

I just need to start.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Time to start again...

This will be a weightloss blog.