Monday, October 18, 2010

245 (still, but whatever)...

Well, the stall continues.  Honestly, I'm really not all that concerned.  I've been dealing with these same 4 lbs or so for the past month.  At least I'm not gaining.

Yeah, it is a bit frustrating, or disappointing, or what-have-you, but as I said above, I'm not gaining.  I suspect that I may be able to hit my October goal of 240 (I think that was the number) by Oct 31st, if only because I'm as broke as the economy for the next few weeks, so I won't be able to afford to over-do anything food-wise.

I do have an idea of what the "problem" is, and it's me.  Lack of real substantial exercise is the majority of it, combined with my continuing problem with eating at night.  Those two things are really only mitigated by one factor: ME.  I have the ability to go get my exercycle back from an ex, but by permission only.  I don't have any real way to transport it, and therein lies the problem.  I'd use a Zipcar, but I don't have the $30 it'd cost for the 2 hours it'd take to go get it.  It'll just have to wait.

Walking in the cold is a real issue for me.  My legs tighten (even with a warm-up), I get all wobbly and tremory, and then--at that point--I'm sorta a danger to myself.  I really want the bike here, so I can just work out regardless of the weather.  Admittedly, it makes me feel a bit trapped at times, but I manage.  I suspect that I'd manage even better while still losing weight, though.

The eating at night thing is a combo issue.  At night, I do get bored and a touch lonely when a partner's not here with me.  Combine that with my herbal medication that I need at night for my spasticity that gives me the classic "munchies" and I have a hard time not eating.  But there ARE things I can do to try and address or confront this issue.  I just sorta haven't lately.  I've been sliding back into that "whatever" place.  Not helpful, I know, but I'm trying to be honest about it.  I guess it's a bit of burn-out.  I've been at this since... May?  Frankly, for me to be burning out now is an accomplishment in and of itself.  Typically, I'd have given up/in much earlier.  Take the victories where you can, Fat Man.

Part of it is also that I'm trying to be gentle with myself, not unlike with zazen/meditation.  If I flipped out every time a thought meandered through my mind while meditating, I'd have lost it years ago.  There's no point in treating yourself, or meditation, that way.  So we are taught that the best thing to respond with is "Hey, cut yourself some slack here.  This is actually kinda hard to do, even when you're GOOD at it.  You'll get no where punishing yourself."  True with zazen.  True with weight-loss.  I see that pretty clearly.

I wanted to go to GVZM's "Mindful Eating" retreat, but I don't have the cash.  I'd like to, really, but I'm still trying to get my financial pins underneath me again after the major hit the wallet took from the Wisconsin visit.  I'll do the next available one, sometime in 2011.

All in all, I still feel good about where I am.  About 50lbs lost.  Staying off.  I still have piles of work to do, but that's as it always is with anything worth the results.

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