179.0 (A new year full of new newness...)

A belated happy new year to you all. Just a brief note to let you all know that I'm doing well. Better than well, actually. Fan-damn-tastic as a matter of fact. 179lbs, new love, new life, new home. I'll write more soon, but I'm currently without internets until February 1st, so I'm blogging from my phone, which is slightly less than ideal. Regardless, the Fat Man sends his love. Welcome to the year of the Dragon!

195.0 (Too much to say, no time to say it...)

Well, it's been a while.  Just a quick note (with no pic--sorry) to say "One niney-five, booooi!"  I was pretty shocked when I popped onto the scale this morning, two days after THANKSGIVNG and actually saw that I lost weight over the holiday! o.0  Rather amazing to me.

I'll try and post a catch-up soon.  I started writing a blog-post back in September, but every time I sat down to finish it, I'd dropped more weight.  Then there were a few save-fails by Blogger that saw me lose the content, so just accept this 195 post as sort of a condolence prize until I put up something more substantial.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.  I don't have time to list what I'm thankful for.  It'd take days...

196.6 (Looking over my shoulder...)

Well hello there!  Haven't seen me in a while, huh?  Yeah, I know.  I simply haven't had time to write much lately, so all my blogs have fallen a bit fallow.  But it's time to celebrate a bit, so let's get after it!

It's funny.  I started writing this post quite a while ago, with the scale pic showing (below-right) but every time I came back to edit and continue, I'd dropped more weight (down to the pic, left)!  So anyway, here's a bit of a catch-up for the past few months...

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August-October, 2011:

I'd been fighting the same ten pounds for the past three months or so (see previous blog post).  For most of August, it would be 220-215, then September was 215-211.  Every time I'd get close to 210, something would happen to undo it and send me back up the scale.  Typically this would be weekend over-indulgences or night eating, which continues to be a struggle for me.  I hit 210 once, back in late August, but didn't post it because it lasted all of a day, then I was back up to 215 or so shortly thereafter.  Also, I believe it was mostly due to dehydration, which in my book doesn't really count.

But from the end of September, I've seen some real traction, and back in the beginning of October (I think) I got under--and stayed under--210 for the first time.  Lots of physical work at the zendo, combined with being really good about my diet, combined with a terrible money situation.  I couldn't really afford to indulge.

But towards the end of October, something in my life shifted, and it was for the better in all respects.  As I said, my primary exercise has been working at the zendo doing the remodel.  I love doing it, but it's volunteer work, and doesn't really help out financially.  I took a stab at a job posted on Craigslist, and lo and behold, I got it!  But in switching to a desk-and-cube job 4-5 hours a day, however, I was rather concerned that I was going to lose the benefit of the hard(ish) zendo labor-as-exercise.  Where was I going to get my cardio?  Well, I stopped being concerned once I discovered that the closest bus stop to my office was 3/5 of a mile and 30 stairs away.  Since I started on Halloween night, I've dropped nearly eight more pounds! I wind up having to (typically) walk roughly two miles a day to get to and from work, plus having to climb 30 or so stairs twice to get to and from the Hawthorne bridge bus stop I have to use.  It'll be interesting to see how the winter weather affects this, as well as the time off when this office closes down in January for a few weeks.  Technically, it's a temp job, but there are all signs that I'll be brought back when the office re-opens.

So that's how I got down to 198.4, where I am as of this morning.  Here are a few reflections on what the weight-loss has been manifesting in my life.

Clothing:

Man, what to say here?  The picture really says it all.  At one point in time (about three years ago) these fit, and were probably snug at times.  As I started to drop weight, I kept them around, mostly for work pants.  But a few days ago, with piles of laundry to do and no clean(ish) work trou available, I resorted to these with suspenders, and was quite literally shocked to the point of near horror.  And absurdity.  And laughter.  Then horror again.  I used to fill these!

I now fit comfortably in 36" pants!  For the first time since I was about 13!  A few weeks ago my fiancée and I were at Good Will (the place I used to go to to get reasonably priced fat-guy stuff) and I decided on a whim to try out a pair of 38" jeans.  Regular jeans.  "Normal people" jeans.  I didn't suspect that they'd really fit.  I thought at best I'd be able to suck my gut in and get myself squeezed into them, then feel like I'd been rammed into some kind of diabolical Victorian girdle and truss.  I'll admit that I felt pretty stupid standing there in the dressing room, tears welling up in my eyes after the zipper glided up and the button fastened on the inhale.  I was even more shocked when they stayed in place without a belt.  Seriously, I haven't wore pants without a belt... like, ever.  I've always had to have an elastic-braided belt in my life.  But these just seemed to stay in place all on their own, like magic.  Thinking I was being fooled, or that Allen Fundt was peering at me from behind the mirror, I tried on another pair by a different manufacturer, suspecting that I may have tried on the one "fat" size of 38" pants that were really like 40" or so.  But lo and behold, the others fit, too.  And stayed in place, too!  WITHOUT A BELT!!

It was real, and yeah, I started to cry a bit.  This had been such a long time in coming.  I guess it took me completely by surprise.  Clothing is going to stay a bit of a challenge at least for the near future.  I have a closet packed full of shirts that I simply can't wear anymore.  They'll go to Good Will.  Half of them came from there anyway.  Maybe they'll help some larger brother out?  My shoes don't fit like they used to, either.  Neither do some HATS?  That's just downright odd...

People, Places & Things:

So, people are really noticing this now.  My face looks completely different.  No more broad, round redish-from-exertion face.  No more three chins (I seem to have only one now).  And a firm jaw.  And a rather distinct clavicle.  And ribs.  And sorta hips.  And a waist!  This is all really freaky and new.

It seems that both genders notice the change.  My male friends notice and say "You look awesome!  How are you doing it?"  The women... well, I don't think I've ever been hit on this much in my life.  Talk about weird x2.  Can't say that I mind it, though, but I just want my fiancée to keep finding me attractive.  And healthy.  And alive.  We have a 16-year age difference, and it would be pretty damn unfair of me to check out on her before I should simply because I couldn't keep from stuffing my pie-hole.

Foodz:

I'm really pleased with my food lately.  This is sort-of interesting because one one hand, money's been so bad these past few months since I wound up in hospital.  But on the other hand, it's made me eat more cheaply, but more creatively.  I haven't been suffering.  I've really been enjoying my food.  I have to admit something mildly shameful: I am a ramen noodle fan.  Always have been.  With cash the way it's been, I've had to go back to my old friend.  I typically never have it as-is, though.  I toss in some frozen Asian veggies, mushrooms, typically some kimchee, a sliced hard-boiled egg, sliced red onion, and top it off with chopped cilantro, basil and Sriracha.  Always Sriracha!  Viva Sriracha!!!

Food is a much more simple affair to me now.  I still enjoy cooking, but it's not this big to-do anymore.  That is helpful.  Making a small meal quickly means I'm not focusing on food so much, and not eating things as I'm preparing the meal.

More later.  It's taken me forever to get this post up as it is...

220.2 (There and back again...)

Well, the progress continues.  It's slow going, but that's not really discouraged me at all.  I really do not care one whit how long this takes me to accomplish.  I just want to keep moving in the right direction.

I have been flirting with 220 for a week or so.  Haven't broken it yet, but I suspect that I will sometime this coming week.  The trend is downwards, even with the occasional up-tick.  As I still weigh myself daily, I see all the numbers, not just the over-all trend.  Some say that's not a wise thing, but I appreciate doing it.  It keeps me ever-mindful of what I'm doing.  Not to the point of obsessiveness, but simply focused on what I'm doing, and that's very helpful to me.

I do need that, and I admit that I do.  Old habits are hard moles to truly whack, and I still have troubles or challenges with stress eating and/or eating later in the evening.  For the latter, I've taken to eating dinner rather late (7:30-8pm) so that even if I get snacky, I have the reality of having just eaten (what is typically) a largish amount of calories, and simply can't conscience eating a bunch more, so it's a motivator to not eat again.  Combine that with being (typically) really tired from the physical labor of the day, and I'm asleep on the couch before I want to eat again.  Sleeping through the munchies is helpful.

I'm still working on what my final "goal" weight should be.  I'm thinking 170lbs.  160 is still sort-of inconceivable to me.  In the end, it's not really all that important.  The trend continues, and that's all I really care about.

223.4 (Nothing pithy to add to that...)

What to say here?  Not much, really.  After the hospitalization and mondo-depressing near-instant balloon-up from that whole deal (roughly 11 lbs in 24 hours!) this feels like the penultimate victory.  Since I've begun counting calories and logging food with MyFitnessPal, I've lost nearly 20 lbs (which I should do by the end of this week).  Yeah, it was a hard twenty, and has taken me about as long to drop it as the previous forty or so, but that's as it should be.

Diet and exercise are the ONLY WAY TO DO THIS.  PERIOD.  I still wince from time to time when I think of how bloody long it's taken me to understand that.  But I do now.

Food is so different a thing to me now.  It used to be the go-to.  For everything.  Happiness, sadness, ecstasy, depression, relaxation, stress, you name it.  But now, food is sustenance.  Doesn't mean that I don't still enjoy eating, and it doesn't mean that all the old habits have been banished, but it does mean that something in me has changed radically.  And that's good.

I enjoy my food even more now.  I savor it.  I eat it more slowly.  I try and be much more mindful about it, and how I eat it.  I'm still a damn fine cook, and still can whip up a fancy-assed this or that, but I'm even more happy that I like--really like--simple foods.  Gimmie a well-made burrito and I'm happy.  A perfectly made BBQ bacon cheeseburger?  Just leave me alone.  I'm busy.  I buy the highest quality ingredients I can afford.  For example, even though it's about 50% more expensive, I only buy Angus beef, mostly because it's grass fed, and as far as red meat goes, I eat it really very sporadically.  I eat a lot of chicken breasts.  Good thing I really like chicken.  I grill out on my smoker about once a week, and make a week's worth of stuff at a time, then simply reheat it.  Grilled flavor all week with only a day of work.

In the morning, I've started making breakfast burritos with two eggs and two slices of bacon, refried beans and queso.  They're really filling and give me a decent dose of energy as I leave to go work at the Zen temple I'm helping renovate.  Another lesson or two I've learned.  I really need to eat breakfast if I'm going to go do anything substantial, and that includes walking more than about a quarter mile.  That breakfast routine has also helped with the constipation/irregularity issues.  Again, I feel dumb.  It's taken me how long to figure that out?  Regardless, lesson learned.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get the steak fajitas made...

227 (The New Frontier...)

Well, it's official: I've never weighed this little in my adult life.  I have an old driver's license from back in the late 80's that lists me as 260lbs.  Back at the beginning of high-school, when I was playing freshman football, I remember weighing in at 230lbs.  15 years old, 5'9" and 230.  I should have been ashamed then.  Actually, I was, but that's a different matter, I suppose.

Frankly, I don't have much room in my life for shame.  I find it a really counter-productive and useless feeling.  It doesn't really bring out good things.  Admitting when you did something or someone wrong?  Good.  Wanting to make things right?  Good.  Shame?  Meh.

Frankly, shame has actually helped perpetuate my lack of weight control.  It has perpetuated and exacerbated the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness that have kept me turning to food for comfort, the tiny feeling that comes from not being able to do what others apparently have no trouble doing, and that's staying in control.  When it comes to addiction, shame really does more damage than anything else.

More than anything, I just feel kind of dumb.  Not in a hyper-critical way.  More in a "Wow, I get it now.  How did I not see this, not grok this, not understand this all this time?" sort-of way.  Be active, eat properly and in the right amount, and weight just kind-of falls in place.

It's not that this is effortless.  I've actually worked rather hard--diligently, even--to get here.  But I've had to do so to un-do the badness that excess has wrought; to get back in alignment with my body.  It makes me wonder what life would have been like were I to have simply grok'd this back when I was young.  That's just as it goes, though, I suppose.  20/20 hindsight and all that.

Anyway, the work continues.

242.2 (A funny thing happened on the way to 228...)

Well, not funny.  Serious.  And seriously bad.  Last week I wound up in hospital for a rather nasty case of cellulitis.  As a result, I was taken off my diuretic for a while, spent most of four days generally immobile, and packed on 11 lbs in the matter of 36 hours!  You can read more about that adventure on my other blog found here.

Now even though this is a bit discouraging, that doesn't mean I'm off the weight-loss train, though.  I'm back on half a diuretic dose to help remove the excess fluids in my system, and that's helping.  As of this morning, I'm back down to 239.0, which is good.  And I'm not using this convalescence as a reason to eat up (although that's been a challenge from a "I wanna be comforted!" sorta way), but I am allowing myself more food in a day.  My body needs calories and nutrition right now, and trying to keep the weight-loss active in this time is actually not very helpful to the healing process.  In fact, it can directly hamper healing, especially since I'm fighting an infection.  The antibiotics I'm taking screw with my gut flora, and make certain vitamins and nutrients hard to absorb (particularly Vit. K—or potassium) which in turn leads to things like nose-bleeds and trouble clotting, so what I eat is really important.

So this is a time to relax a bit on the 1500 kCal a day diet and heavy-duty labor that was working so well.  I need to get past this infection and heal, and to do that, I need to eat more.  Not crazy more, but more than I have been.

But one thing I haven't lost is confidence that I can and will see 225lbs by the end of summer.  Diet and exercise works, and I got it to work all on my own, eating a varied diet that was very satisfying.  But wisdom is illustrated by knowing when to relax as well as when to put in lots of effort.  Rest=healing.