Tuesday, July 20, 2010

This and fa, er, that...

I'd planned on trying to walk into downtown today (3.7 mi) to meet someone.  I had to bail on the plan due to a) time, b) wonky and sore knees and c) lack of energy.  The last bit is key.  I'm not good stamina-wise even at the best of times, but with this reduced calorie routien, I just have so little gas in the tank that it makes walking all the harder.  It'll come with more exercise and less weight, I know.  I have a goal that before the year is out, I'll be able to do a simple 5 mile hike into a campground and spend a few days.  That'll require me carrying a minimum of a 30lb pack, not counting water.  It's not some goal that if I can't make it before the weather gets crummy that I'll feel bad.  I just wanted to set a goal to work towards.  I have a few milestones set that I'll reward myself for.  250 is the key one, and I'm saving something extra special for that, but it's not the goal or the reward I'm after.  I just want to get better.  That's my goal.  Period.  Everything else is frosting.  Oh, wait.  No frosting.  Everything else is hummus, I suppose ;)

I may be burned-out from the diet, but I still feel better about myself.  I may be hungry pretty frequently, but it's not the "Damnit! I want something gratifying!!!" thing anymore.  Every time I put something in my mouth (that's food) I'm aware of it.  I think about it.  I say "no" a lot more than I used to, but it no longer feels like a deprivation.  It feels like I'm working on something.  Working towards something.  Achieving something.  That feels good, not bad.

I recently ended one of my poly relationships a few weeks ago.  It was REALLY hard to do, but it was the right thing for the both of us, and we're both happier for it.  But whereas the last time a relationship ended for me (about October of last year) I ate my way to comfort, this time I'm not.  As a matter of fact, this most recent relationship ended in part because of food and health issues.  I now see her posting all kinds of fatty fried restaurant food she's eating with her new partner or her hubby.  She is celebrating her happiness.  For her happiness, I'm deeply glad.  But she's doing exactly what I'm trying not to do.  Everything is about food.  Everything is about something external making her happy.  I really hope and pray that she eventually sees that that is a dead-end.  She's a wonderful person, and she deserves to be happy.  But I can't have someone in my life that doesn't understand that I need to fix this or I will die from it.  And she will, too.  The food thing is actually the minority reason why I ended that relationship, but to say it's an insignificant factor would be minimizing it too much.

My primary partner wants to lose a few pounds.  She's newly 50, lovely, and in my eyes, perfect in every way.  But I will support her in any way that I can to reach her goals.  She adores my cooking, and she loves me and completely supports what I'm trying to do.  That is so very important to me.

My other (new) sort-of partner is also very diet-conscious.  She's doing the whole no-carb thing, and is having good success.  I'm not much of a fan of the whole ketosis thing, but she eats very healthily, and is also supportive of me.

That is what I need.  As is the case with any addiction, who you surround yourself with and who you have as a support network is very important.  And make no mistake; I'm dealing with an addiction.  The biggest and oldest addiction my life has ever known.

I'm considering starting up a Zen eating group in my sangha.  My teacher wrote a book on mindful eating.  I think that could be a really good resource for me.

More later...

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