274 fer real...

So I am actually down to a firm 274.  That feels good.  I need to go have lunch with a friend today, so I made sure to pick a place where I can get a humus plate.  Exercise for today will be to walk all the way to the tavern--a 2 mile walk.  My primary will be here tonight, and I think I'll make lentil soup of some kind...

This and fa, er, that...

I'd planned on trying to walk into downtown today (3.7 mi) to meet someone.  I had to bail on the plan due to a) time, b) wonky and sore knees and c) lack of energy.  The last bit is key.  I'm not good stamina-wise even at the best of times, but with this reduced calorie routien, I just have so little gas in the tank that it makes walking all the harder.  It'll come with more exercise and less weight, I know.  I have a goal that before the year is out, I'll be able to do a simple 5 mile hike into a campground and spend a few days.  That'll require me carrying a minimum of a 30lb pack, not counting water.  It's not some goal that if I can't make it before the weather gets crummy that I'll feel bad.  I just wanted to set a goal to work towards.  I have a few milestones set that I'll reward myself for.  250 is the key one, and I'm saving something extra special for that, but it's not the goal or the reward I'm after.  I just want to get better.  That's my goal.  Period.  Everything else is frosting.  Oh, wait.  No frosting.  Everything else is hummus, I suppose ;)

I may be burned-out from the diet, but I still feel better about myself.  I may be hungry pretty frequently, but it's not the "Damnit! I want something gratifying!!!" thing anymore.  Every time I put something in my mouth (that's food) I'm aware of it.  I think about it.  I say "no" a lot more than I used to, but it no longer feels like a deprivation.  It feels like I'm working on something.  Working towards something.  Achieving something.  That feels good, not bad.

I recently ended one of my poly relationships a few weeks ago.  It was REALLY hard to do, but it was the right thing for the both of us, and we're both happier for it.  But whereas the last time a relationship ended for me (about October of last year) I ate my way to comfort, this time I'm not.  As a matter of fact, this most recent relationship ended in part because of food and health issues.  I now see her posting all kinds of fatty fried restaurant food she's eating with her new partner or her hubby.  She is celebrating her happiness.  For her happiness, I'm deeply glad.  But she's doing exactly what I'm trying not to do.  Everything is about food.  Everything is about something external making her happy.  I really hope and pray that she eventually sees that that is a dead-end.  She's a wonderful person, and she deserves to be happy.  But I can't have someone in my life that doesn't understand that I need to fix this or I will die from it.  And she will, too.  The food thing is actually the minority reason why I ended that relationship, but to say it's an insignificant factor would be minimizing it too much.

My primary partner wants to lose a few pounds.  She's newly 50, lovely, and in my eyes, perfect in every way.  But I will support her in any way that I can to reach her goals.  She adores my cooking, and she loves me and completely supports what I'm trying to do.  That is so very important to me.

My other (new) sort-of partner is also very diet-conscious.  She's doing the whole no-carb thing, and is having good success.  I'm not much of a fan of the whole ketosis thing, but she eats very healthily, and is also supportive of me.

That is what I need.  As is the case with any addiction, who you surround yourself with and who you have as a support network is very important.  And make no mistake; I'm dealing with an addiction.  The biggest and oldest addiction my life has ever known.

I'm considering starting up a Zen eating group in my sangha.  My teacher wrote a book on mindful eating.  I think that could be a really good resource for me.

More later...

274 (and the beat goes on...)

Sorry I stepped away from the blog.  Been a bit of a week...

Although I hit a milestone this past Sunday.  I walked from the flat all the way to the New Season's store on SE 20th & Division.  Google says that's about 2.5 miles.  All said and done, that day I clocked what must have been just over 3 miles.  I was exhausted for the rest of the day, yes, but I attribute that to all that exercise on very little fuel.  But it's working.  Yesterday was also a good exercise day, having spent the afternoon busing around town running errands.  When I got back from them, I hopped on the scale and was down to 271 and change.  Now I know that wasn't a real number--you should never weigh yourself after strenuous exercise unless you're a boxer at a pre-fight weigh-in--but doing so allows me to know more accurately where I'm at.  Yesterday's 271 shows me that today's 274 is a real number.  Hopefully if I keep this up, by this time next week, I'll be kissing the 260's again for the first time in almost two years.

I have to admit that one of the things I like most about the dieting is the MONEY!  Since I've not been having the daily mocha, this month I've saved nearly $60!  Not buying anything at the store but fruit, veg, and soy-milk, I'm still in the black this month, at a time when I'm typically getting really tight.  Admittedly, I've had a bit of money come back to me this month as well, but all-in-all, I know it's helping the budget too.

Last night for dinner I made myself essentially a carb-less huevos burrito in a bowl.  Quorn chick'n, mushrooms, onions and 2 eggs done on the cast-iron skillet, then dumped into a bowl of re-fried black beans.  I initially thought of making some rice and using a low-carb FlatOut wrap, but just decided to skip them entirely.  Damn tasty regardless.  Thanks to Tapito for spicing it up!  I could have had half the eggs, leaving one for today, but I could tell that my body was rather protein-starved, so I decided to have a reasonable second helping.  Probably 600-800 kCal all said and done.  That would make my total for the day somewhere in the 1500-1600 for the day.  I still feel good about it.

I think once I get down to 270, I'll take a pic of myself and stick it up here.  No greater motivation than to see yourself as fat, but getting smaller.

Now I need to get a few things done before I go walking.  I hope one of those things is seeing a man about a horse.  That right there is one of the top three reasons why I don't like walking out in the wild all that much.  Suddenly needing to find a bathroom right. Damn. NOW is a real pain.  But I can't allow it to keep me from walking.

I can't.

277 (Don't believe it...)

I'm still feeling pretty weak due to the restrictive diet and lack of protein, but the pounds are starting to melt off. Last night before bed, I dipped below 280 for the first time since a false reading of 277 on 5 July. This time I know it's real, which is good and encouraging. Went out to coffee (w0ot!) with a friend to a place down the street. Ordered a small iced soy mocha with whip and nursed it pretty effectively. It was satisfying, and gratifying as a reward for a week plus of rather restrictive practice. I think I'm going to allow myself one or two a week as a treat, but I'll be mindful of how large and how often, so as to not slip back into the daily habit again, at least for now. I may allow it as a daily once I hit the 250-260's because the diuretic boost I get is helpful. I think I may just go back to making mocha smoothies. Best of both worlds there.

When I got back, I was swimming in sweat (it's about 94f) so I popped in the shower. Before I did, I weighed myself. 277.0. I immediately called "bullsh!t" and knew better. Getting out, I weighed again, and was 278.6. My body had absorbed 1.6lbs of water. So, the lesson is: Dehydration for quick results, Hydration for a quick reality check! ;) But none-the-less, I'm only about 4.6lbs from my pre-winter balloon-up weight. That makes me feel good.

I'm still hungry most of the time, but it's pretty manageable by eating a Clementine orange or two, and maybe a banana. Pro'lly eating a bit too much cheese popcorn, but I'll allow that for the moment, as it really satisfies the whole munch thing. Need to go get it and make it at home to save monies. I'll ping Freecycle for a used air-popper. I like it nearly as much with nutritional yeast as powdered cheese anyway. I want to make a Toby's clone soon too, probably tomorrow. Tofu, Nutri-Yeast, Veganaise, onions and celery. I found some awesome black-bean tortilla chips that are about 1/2 the carbs and more protein that regular, and that together sounds awesome. I really appreciate being able to figure out how to make lots of things (read: "products") I like myself at home. Saving money is always gratifying, but there's also something really nurturing about that. Sorta like food-based metta for myself.

Hunger. Yeah. Challenging practice. But I'm hungering for something different now, and I can feel it well up inside me. I want health again. Yes, part of it is to look better than I do (I accept myself as I am, but at the same time, I look back to when I was near 250, and I really miss looking like that, and moreover, FEELING like that) but I really am just doing this for it's own sake. For the sake of being more healthy. I missed 250 a few years ago by just three pounds. Three pounds!  I haven't weighed 250 since highschool.  Then everything changed.  My primary relationship changed, my daughter came back from Cali with a heroin addiction, and I asked my primary for a divorce.  Boom, boom, boom.  I nurtured myself and my daughter through that very hard time with food, as I always do.  But "nurture" with too much of anything will bloat you.  And once again, I took it too far.  I remember spending the new year of 2009 alone, ringing it in with a half a pound of brie.  By myself.  Sounds damn depressing, dunnit?  It sorta was.  But I needed to step off of the vegan thing for a bit.  I'm glad I did, but cheese is a very limited thing for me now.

Anyway, more as it happens.  Making myself a salad for dinner consisting of cold chicken curry, and curry flavored Yumm sauce and other assorted stuff.

280, and it all begins again...

Wow, been a while, huh? Me too.

It's starting back up again. Down to 280 from a high of 292 or so. I'm not going to blather on about new-found motivation or insight-this or awareness-that. It's all the same, and you can see heart-felt insights of mine all throughout this blog. What I will say is this: it is very important to keep people in your life who care about what they eat. I've missed that. And I now appreciate its importance even more.

Interesting: as I type this, a person I recently ended a relationship with just replied to a question I posted on Facebook about whether or not to eat a deep-fried samosa at a dinner I'm going to tonight. Her reply: "mmmm samosa.....i am going to be worse....steak...." So I guess that's a taste of it (pardon the pun). It's hard to get better when people in your life don't really care about themselves. It's not the reason I stopped seeing her, but it probably contributed.

Anyways, I'm going to try and keep a food diary. Here's today (so far).

06/08/10

Breakfast: Black grapes and a banana.

Snack: 10-ish black-bean tortilla chips and 2 tbsp Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese.

Lunch: 12oz MetRX-based banana/blueberry smoothie with added orange laxative fiber.

Dinner: 2 fried vegetarian samosa, 1 cup cooked Basmati rice, a fried papadum, some daal and 1/2 a naan.

Exercise: Walked to bus stop in 95+f heat (6 blocks). Walked to restaruant (2 blocks). After dinner (where I ate slightly more than intended), walked the entire way home (16 blocks).

Other snacks: A bit more smoothie, cheese popcorn, and a couppla oranges.

285 (care of the sangha begins with me...)

Been having a slightly better time of it lately.  Body acceptance is still a challenge, but I'm trying to be kind to myself about this.  Going to try a walk today while it's sunny.  That may be a bit of a challenge, as I spent all day yesterday on my feet cooking a meal for about 25 people at the Intro to Zen Practice class.  The food was hugely successful, and I received many thoughtful and enthusiastic compliments, which is always nice and gratifying.  But I find it so queer; I can feed others so well, but when it comes time to feed myself I don't take as much care.  Why is that?

Just so's you know, this blog will be delving (or devolving, depending on how one looks at it) into Zen as well.  So, you've been warned.

Dogen-zenji, in his Tenzo Kyokun (or "Instructions to the Cook"), takes special care to reinforce the importance of the inter-related nature of food, mindfulness, and service.  Of all the writings of Dogen, this one I affilate with the most.  Admittedly, if you were to ask me a year from now, after my practice has yet deepened even further, it may be something else, but the Tenzo Kyokun really jumped out and grabbed me.

From ancient times communities of the practice of the Way of Awake Awareness have had six office holders who, as disciples of the Buddha, guide the activities of Awakening the community. Amongst these, the tenzo bears the responsibility of caring for the community's meals. The Zen Monastic Standards states, "The tenzo functions as the one who makes offerings with reverence to the monks."

Since ancient times this office has been held by realized monks who have the mind of the Way or by senior disciples who have roused the Way-seeking mind.  This work requires exerting the Way.  Those entrusted with this work but who lack the Way-seeking mind will only cause and endure hardship despite all their efforts. The Zen Monastic Standards states, "Putting the mind of the Way to work, serve carefully varied meals appropriate to each occasion and thus allow everyone to practice without hindrance."

Well, I'm certainly no realized monk.  I guess I get close to "senior disciple".  I had tea with one of our most senior students and sangha leaders this past Friday afternoon, and she said "Welcome to the roll of Senior Student!"  I guess that's how that happens here in PDX.  You find out over coffee at a little funky hole-in-the-wall that you're suddenly farther down the path than you yourself thought.  Hrm.  Anyway. [/digression]

But it does strike me how very important this food practice is.  It may very well be the most important part of my personal practice.  I really can't ignore these inter-twining issues any longer (which is why this is a double-blog post here and at SOTW).  As Dogen-zenji clearly states: "Those entrusted with this work but who lack the Way-seeking mind will only cause and endure hardship despite all their efforts." If you take that from the broader context of sangha service and simply turn it towards a service of a sangha of one--me--it still holds completely true.  If I entrust myself to my own care, but lack (or forgo) the Way-Seeking Mind, I will only wind up hurting myself and my progress in all areas.

This morning I laid in bed and practiced taking my final breath.  I felt the clinging arise.  Taking a deeper breath than I normally would, and exhaling more slowly.  It wasn't a rellishment of the breath so much as a drowning man grasping futilely at straws.  I thought about how many years it would be before this practice would be put to the test.  Will I still be grasping?

I then thought about all the people yesterday that came to me, that took time and effort to tell me just how much they enjoyed the food, the flavors, the colors, the creativity, the obvious care and effort.  Even my fellow students and friends took special care to express what a joy the food was for them.

I believe it was Ven. Thich Nhat Hahn that said--in essence--that the two most important practices are breathing and eating.  After that, everything else.  I think maybe it's breathing, eating and dying.  Somehow, these three things are the most important things in our lives.  I really want to understand better how they are interconnected...

290 again. Spring has sprung, and the time has come.

Obviously, it's been a while.  Watch this space.  It'll soon be filled once again by The Fat Man...

Love to all, (including me)...