Well, how the hell are ya?! Long time, eh? Actually, 5 months to be nearly exact. And in that 5-month period, I appear to have lost... two whole pounds! Lolz. Actually, I'm pretty damn proud of those two pounds. The why will be part of this "brief" five-month catch-up.
Back when we last looked in on the Fat Man, he was getting ready for a week-long silent zen monastic retreat, or "sesshin". I was looking forward to a week of very simple zen monastic cooking, and hoping it would help me drop a few more. It didn't. Actually, I put on about three to five pounds, if I remember rightly. A week of bread, hot cereal, rice, bread, cookies and, um, bread combined with sitting near-absolutely still for about twelve hours a day did what you'd expect it would. Now, don't get me wrong: I could have done it better, and been more mindful of how much I was consuming, but the sesshin's theme was generosity, and I felt that to be nit-picky about food during this experience was counter to the intentions of it, so I simply let go. Not all the way, but I just decided to relax. This was my first week-long retreat, and make no mistake about it, these things are on the low-end of "hard-core" so I decided that being gentle with myself was the best thing to do. I'm glad I did. For a number of reasons, I had a lot on my mind going into this.
One of those things was regarding a date I'd had just a few days before I left. It was with a very lovely and, um... very young woman--JLS. We'd met about a week before, introduced to each-other (remotely) through a mutual friend. We'd been out to coffee once initially, came back to my place, hung out a bit, then had another dinner date a week later here again. I wound up with a crashing headache and had to fade early, and we left with a weird and sort of awkward vibe/feeling between the two of us. I took this weirdness with me to the monastery and sat with it, thinking "well, that's the end of that." I was wrong.
When I got back into cell-phone range, I received a barrage of texts from her (built-up through the week, I assume) letting me know that I was missed, and she was, in fact, interested in me. This alone made me feel good, because I typically don't read women wrongly, and the way we'd left it, it seemed that I had.
To cut it short, we near-instantly fell in love, and got engaged on Christmas Eve Day.
I did another sesshin in January. Put on a few more pounds.
Happily in love, making vegan specialties of mine for her (she is veg, and often vegan), sweets, etc.
HELLO, 252!
Now, where the pride comes in.
First off, I caught myself in a manner and at a place that kept me feeling in control. I didn't flip out, didn't throw in the towel, didn't get too discouraged. I simply got back at it. Most importantly, I didn't beat myself up over it. I just saw that it was time to get back to work.
I knew in my mind that I was likely to put on a few pounds over the winter. I live in the Pacific North-Wet. Walking in the cold, damp winter rains is not something my disabled body really does well at--let alone enjoys--so I knew the lack of exercise alone would ding me. But I also was eating a bit from stress, and some from boredom. But I caught myself. I caught myself at a place I'd so often tripped over before. This time I didn't screw it up. Again, that alone is encouraging to me.
I think I topped out at 253-4. That was about two months or so ago. I've been back to low-cal-ish low-carb, hovering around "induction"-level carbs since then. In that time, I've dropped about fourteen pounds. Pretty good. I feel in control again, and am feeling more energized about really getting back at it each day. Still fighting off the winter apathy about exercise, but that's just as it goes. As the sun becomes more present in my life, that too will get easier to get past. I have my exercise stationary bike back in my flat, so I have that beast as a back-up.
At one point last year, I hit 229.8lbs. It was fleeting, lasting only a few hours. That's okay. I'm pretty confident that I'll see it for real before too long. I still have a picture of the number between my feet on my scale to remind me.
But I also have another picture. It's of JLS and me, naked, standing in front of my bathroom mirror together. She is so gorgeous; voluptuous, soft, yet a healthy weight. This here is the part where I'd say something self-depreciating like "But me? Well..." But there is none of that when I look at that image. I actually look good. I have collar-bones showing, and a chin, and strong shoulders, and my toned arms about her bare waist.
And I am proud of that. I am proud that I've stuck with it. And I'm proud of who I am, no matter my weight. But being more in control of this issue is so empowering, I can't see going back. I don't want to go back. I want to keep walking. As hard as it is at times for me to do, I want to simply keep marching on. I have so much to live for. I did before I started, and I most certainly do now.
Two pounds.
Right. @#$%ing. On!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, November 15, 2010
242-ish (and off we go...)
Headed into sesshin (silent zen retreat) for a week. Nothing to say but this. Interested to see how a week of oryoki works the numbers.
Be well, folks, and remember to be generous.
Be well, folks, and remember to be generous.
Friday, November 5, 2010
238.6 (Boo-Ya!)
To make this even better, I had a doctor's appointment today for a prescription reissue. I haven't seen him in like 9 months. I walked in, and I kid you not, he stopped, double-taked, exclaimed "You look great!" then without missing a beat, added "Everything okay?"
Lolz.
He asked how I was doing it. I told him carbohydrate restriction, mindful eating and walking. He was all smiles.
A bonus aside from that visit: it did calibrate my home scale pretty well. I was 239.x this morning before I left. I got on their uber-accurate scale fully clothed with shoes (I figured I was +6lbs or so there) and weighed in at 245, so that about jibes exactly. After I left the doctor's office, I wound up getting off at the wrong bus stop and had to walk a good 1.5 miles to get to my next destination, so I got my walkies in fo sure. I weighed myself just now after getting home, just to make sure I got the lowest number. I may drop further today because I rushed out of the house this morning and forgot to take my diuretic, so I have some fluid in me. I just took it, so I'll be peeing like a race-horse in about 30min. Weeeeeee! (<--hehehe. See what I just did there?)
Last night at my sangha Communication's team meeting, I decided to have pita bread and hummus with the crew. I had my regular Mediterranean chicken salad, but after having the bread at the monastery over the weekend and not essploding, I decided that I should, if only as a practice of moderation, not to say anything of a reward. I'm glad I did. It was wonderful. Yet more people (at that meeting) ask me "how are you doing this?" I tell them the same answer. They all sorta shake their heads in mild disbelief, as if to say "Well sonofabiatch. That diet and exercise stuff actually works, hu?" My friend Bansho was there, and attested to the same. He's really focusing on portion control and exercise, but whatever works.
Something kinda weird struck me on the bus today. I am actually sorta looking forward to sesshin. Why? Because after a solid week of ōryōki, I may conceivably be down to 230! We'll see, though. I'm really enjoying not thinking so much about this stuff anymore, and focusing on "goals". My only goal is this moment. Now. Now. NOW!
But I'll admit that I'm liking that there's slightly less "body" in the "body/mind" that is sensing/experiencing this "now" now ;)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
241.2 (On "Mindful Eating"...)
Yep. 241.2. That feels really good. Yeah, that bit is a bit obvious. Of course it does. I was stuck at 245-ish for so long that admittedly I was getting rather discouraged. I'll talk about discouragement in a bit. But I wanted to start with progress.
I've taken a step-back from blogging here for a few reasons. Firstly, it was beginning to feel a bit, I dunno... stale? Not much progress to report on, so "keep on keepin' on" was the mantra, and the practice, so what's there to say on it? Secondly though, it was starting to feel a bit obsessive, especially in light of the above. It was making itself feel like "You must talk about food. You must talk about food. You must talk about food..." and frankly, it was getting a bit tiring. One of the things I've liked about switching to a low-carb diet was that food making was becoming simpler, and as a result, I didn't have to think about food as much. I was really liking that. And I still do. What follows is an amalgamation of cut-n-pastes from recent SOTW posts, and some other thoughts.
This past weekend, I attended my teacher, Chozen Bays-roshi's Mindful Eating retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery. The retreat was a gift to me by my friend Bansho, but it was a bit extra significant for a few reasons. I've dropped over fifty pounds this year, and I really wanted to attend this retreat. He's been following my progress, and had purchased this retreat with the intent of making it a scholarship. I suddenly couldn't come up with the finances to attend, and it all fell neatly into place. Also, it is the beginning of our observance of ango. More on that, and its relation to teh foodz in a bit.
The retreat was wonderful, powerful, fun, challenging, helpful, painful, funny, healthful, healing, humbling and paradigm-changing, to say the least. I had quite a bit of apprehension during the run-up, mostly over carbs. There are plenty of carbohydrates at the monastery. Don't get me wrong: it's a totally reasonable amount of balanced, mostly-complex carbs. I mean, my monastic friends living there work very hard, and typically eat one meal a day in a very simple fashion, and need to power themselves with something. They're not on a diet to lose excess weight or body fat in some more expedient fashion like I am, so any weight-loss is a byproduct of a truly healthy life-style.
But me? I am very carb-restricted. I have been eating mostly protein, and animal-derived protein at that. Seeing that the monastery is critter non grata, what was going to happen to me and my diet while there? I'd actually had my first carbo-phobo dream a few nights before. I dreamed that I was sitting down to a dinner of unknown providence, and it wound up being a hamburger. That in and of itself wasn't so bad. The issue was that it was served three-slab-of-bun "Big Mac" style. I dreamed I removed the bun(s) and scraped off the toppings. Then when I awoke, I found myself looking back at the dream, and being upset that in eating the mere toppings, I'd consumed ketchup. -sigh- Yeah, no anxiety there. I knew immediately that this was a psychic manifestation of my anxiety over the whole issue, and sort-of laughed it off.
I rode up to the retreat with my close friend SS. She's been tinkering with low-carb as well, and we both decided even before leaving that we were simply going to have to roll with it. Being freaked out by carbs while there was going to do nothing good for the experience, and frankly, would be dishonoring the entire intent and purpose of the retreat. On the good side of things, though, was the experience of doing this together. We're old friends who've gotten to grow close again after a number of years orbiting in different and distant circles. Now that she practices with our sangha, we get to see each-other near weekly, which is awesomesauce. That we're both major foodies with life-long weight issues just made it all the more poignant. It was a great ride up to the monastery on a stunningly lovely early autumn afternoon. This was starting off well.
We got to the monastery and checked in. My sensei, Hogen, heard my voice and popped out to check. "Andy, that is you. Good, good..." He never smiles all that demonstratively, but his face belied him, and it warmed me. After the general necessities were taken care of, we settled into our dorm spaces.
Dinner was the first major challenge. Salad, beet soup and bread. BEET SOUP? BREAD? I could feel the anxiety surge up inside me. I was aware of it. I acknowledged it. I worked on letting it go. But there was a practical issue that needed to be answered: that beet soup--due to its carb content--may very well give me a major glycemic whammy, and after my health issues at my last retreat two years or so ago, I really didn't want to start suffering from major blood-sugar issues. That, and not having eaten bread for literally months, and I felt that the wisest thing to do was make a conscientious choice about things. So I decided to forgo the soup in favor of the consumption of bread. The soup was likely to be a faster and more powerful carb blast being that it was essentially a carb-loaded liquid; at least the bread was a multi-grain whole-wheat, so it would be slower in to my system. I made sure to take extra salad.
And yeah, the bread was pretty damned orgasmic. I took my first bite, and chewed for what seemed like forever, not in a Road to Wellville/Fletcherization type way, but in a deep relishing of something so insanely wonderful. Made by hand by friends, this bread was quite possibly the best bite of bread I've had since I first started baking bread by hand myself. It honestly ranked up there with my first true and proper French baguette. It was for all the world like a massive Wheat-Thin, but better. I decide right then and there to toss the anxiety for good for the weekend, and just see what would happen. I was pretty sure that if I did, in fact, put on a pound or two, I wouldn't breach 250. It was a worthwhile experiment in allowing carbs back in, and there was no more perfect a place to run this experiment than in this vessel of safety that is the SS GVZM. Right then and there, I decided to just let it go, and be down with the full experience. Yeah, and have two more pieces of bread.
I slept like shat that night, though. Always hard the first night. I was a late arrival, which had the benefit of me being in the second men's dorm, so I was able to pick a bed in an area of the Equanimity dorm that had no other people in it, but I picked a bed against the exterior wall, and froze my ass off all night. I might have managed two hours' sleep total, but seeing as the day was going to be light on effort, I knew I'd be okay.
We sat zazen, did morning service, then had our first ōryōki meal that morning. It's one of my favorite breakfasts there: 10-grain hot cereal from Bob's Red Mill with brown sugar and peanut butter. I just went with it, and felt renewed.
The rest of the retreat was group work with my other teacher, Jan Chozen Bays roshi. I'm not really going to prattle on about that part of it, because she did it all here. There was a lot of pain and emotion dealt with, and it was all very insightful. I slept like I was dead Saturday night. Sunday, I woke up at about 4:30am very well rested. I got up and dressed in the dark so as not to disturb my dorm-mates, then went to sit outside in the crisp, cold darkness of the early morning. The rain had stopped, and it was beautifully clear with a crescent moon dancing in and out of UV-blue clouds. I sat zazen out in the cold, and thought for a moment about what commitment to make for this ango.
An ango (安居), for those who don't know, is a period of more intensive practice in a zen sangha or monastery. My sangha observes one every autumn. For us, it's traditional to make an ango vow or commitment; some extra practice like bowing, chanting, memorizing a sutra, daily- or extra zazen, etc. This year, I was having a hard time coming up with something that resonated with me. Last year I committed to sit every time my sangha was at the dharma center (of 32 opportunities, I missed four. Jes' sayin'...). This year, I was thinking of trying to memorize the Shosai Myokichijo Dharani, which always renders me dumb and mum. I may still. I'll be chanting it daily for six days in about two weeks. Regardless, I mulled, I sat, I went inside to the zendo and sat alone until the morning wake-up bell at 5:50am rang through the monastery.
At the main Sunday service, we had a sagaki ceremony to invite all the hungry ghosts here to be with us, take what they needed, and leave peacefully. It was lovely, fun, and signifigant. I'll post more on that later. SS and I drove home after lunch, and swung into Fubonn market to see if we couldn't come up with some cheap ōryōki rigs. I found some all-plastic bowls that nested into each-other nicely. She dropped me off, and I chilled at home.
Then, when making dinner for myself Monday night and setting out my new bowls, I knew what my ango practice would be. Mindful eating. Duh! I will eat at least one formal ōryōki meal a day this way throughout all of ango. I'll be interested to see what that does for the weight-loss.
More later, my hungry little gakis...
I've taken a step-back from blogging here for a few reasons. Firstly, it was beginning to feel a bit, I dunno... stale? Not much progress to report on, so "keep on keepin' on" was the mantra, and the practice, so what's there to say on it? Secondly though, it was starting to feel a bit obsessive, especially in light of the above. It was making itself feel like "You must talk about food. You must talk about food. You must talk about food..." and frankly, it was getting a bit tiring. One of the things I've liked about switching to a low-carb diet was that food making was becoming simpler, and as a result, I didn't have to think about food as much. I was really liking that. And I still do. What follows is an amalgamation of cut-n-pastes from recent SOTW posts, and some other thoughts.
This past weekend, I attended my teacher, Chozen Bays-roshi's Mindful Eating retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery. The retreat was a gift to me by my friend Bansho, but it was a bit extra significant for a few reasons. I've dropped over fifty pounds this year, and I really wanted to attend this retreat. He's been following my progress, and had purchased this retreat with the intent of making it a scholarship. I suddenly couldn't come up with the finances to attend, and it all fell neatly into place. Also, it is the beginning of our observance of ango. More on that, and its relation to teh foodz in a bit.
The retreat was wonderful, powerful, fun, challenging, helpful, painful, funny, healthful, healing, humbling and paradigm-changing, to say the least. I had quite a bit of apprehension during the run-up, mostly over carbs. There are plenty of carbohydrates at the monastery. Don't get me wrong: it's a totally reasonable amount of balanced, mostly-complex carbs. I mean, my monastic friends living there work very hard, and typically eat one meal a day in a very simple fashion, and need to power themselves with something. They're not on a diet to lose excess weight or body fat in some more expedient fashion like I am, so any weight-loss is a byproduct of a truly healthy life-style.
But me? I am very carb-restricted. I have been eating mostly protein, and animal-derived protein at that. Seeing that the monastery is critter non grata, what was going to happen to me and my diet while there? I'd actually had my first carbo-phobo dream a few nights before. I dreamed that I was sitting down to a dinner of unknown providence, and it wound up being a hamburger. That in and of itself wasn't so bad. The issue was that it was served three-slab-of-bun "Big Mac" style. I dreamed I removed the bun(s) and scraped off the toppings. Then when I awoke, I found myself looking back at the dream, and being upset that in eating the mere toppings, I'd consumed ketchup. -sigh- Yeah, no anxiety there. I knew immediately that this was a psychic manifestation of my anxiety over the whole issue, and sort-of laughed it off.
I rode up to the retreat with my close friend SS. She's been tinkering with low-carb as well, and we both decided even before leaving that we were simply going to have to roll with it. Being freaked out by carbs while there was going to do nothing good for the experience, and frankly, would be dishonoring the entire intent and purpose of the retreat. On the good side of things, though, was the experience of doing this together. We're old friends who've gotten to grow close again after a number of years orbiting in different and distant circles. Now that she practices with our sangha, we get to see each-other near weekly, which is awesomesauce. That we're both major foodies with life-long weight issues just made it all the more poignant. It was a great ride up to the monastery on a stunningly lovely early autumn afternoon. This was starting off well.
We got to the monastery and checked in. My sensei, Hogen, heard my voice and popped out to check. "Andy, that is you. Good, good..." He never smiles all that demonstratively, but his face belied him, and it warmed me. After the general necessities were taken care of, we settled into our dorm spaces.
Dinner was the first major challenge. Salad, beet soup and bread. BEET SOUP? BREAD? I could feel the anxiety surge up inside me. I was aware of it. I acknowledged it. I worked on letting it go. But there was a practical issue that needed to be answered: that beet soup--due to its carb content--may very well give me a major glycemic whammy, and after my health issues at my last retreat two years or so ago, I really didn't want to start suffering from major blood-sugar issues. That, and not having eaten bread for literally months, and I felt that the wisest thing to do was make a conscientious choice about things. So I decided to forgo the soup in favor of the consumption of bread. The soup was likely to be a faster and more powerful carb blast being that it was essentially a carb-loaded liquid; at least the bread was a multi-grain whole-wheat, so it would be slower in to my system. I made sure to take extra salad.
And yeah, the bread was pretty damned orgasmic. I took my first bite, and chewed for what seemed like forever, not in a Road to Wellville/Fletcherization type way, but in a deep relishing of something so insanely wonderful. Made by hand by friends, this bread was quite possibly the best bite of bread I've had since I first started baking bread by hand myself. It honestly ranked up there with my first true and proper French baguette. It was for all the world like a massive Wheat-Thin, but better. I decide right then and there to toss the anxiety for good for the weekend, and just see what would happen. I was pretty sure that if I did, in fact, put on a pound or two, I wouldn't breach 250. It was a worthwhile experiment in allowing carbs back in, and there was no more perfect a place to run this experiment than in this vessel of safety that is the SS GVZM. Right then and there, I decided to just let it go, and be down with the full experience. Yeah, and have two more pieces of bread.
I slept like shat that night, though. Always hard the first night. I was a late arrival, which had the benefit of me being in the second men's dorm, so I was able to pick a bed in an area of the Equanimity dorm that had no other people in it, but I picked a bed against the exterior wall, and froze my ass off all night. I might have managed two hours' sleep total, but seeing as the day was going to be light on effort, I knew I'd be okay.
We sat zazen, did morning service, then had our first ōryōki meal that morning. It's one of my favorite breakfasts there: 10-grain hot cereal from Bob's Red Mill with brown sugar and peanut butter. I just went with it, and felt renewed.
The rest of the retreat was group work with my other teacher, Jan Chozen Bays roshi. I'm not really going to prattle on about that part of it, because she did it all here. There was a lot of pain and emotion dealt with, and it was all very insightful. I slept like I was dead Saturday night. Sunday, I woke up at about 4:30am very well rested. I got up and dressed in the dark so as not to disturb my dorm-mates, then went to sit outside in the crisp, cold darkness of the early morning. The rain had stopped, and it was beautifully clear with a crescent moon dancing in and out of UV-blue clouds. I sat zazen out in the cold, and thought for a moment about what commitment to make for this ango.An ango (安居), for those who don't know, is a period of more intensive practice in a zen sangha or monastery. My sangha observes one every autumn. For us, it's traditional to make an ango vow or commitment; some extra practice like bowing, chanting, memorizing a sutra, daily- or extra zazen, etc. This year, I was having a hard time coming up with something that resonated with me. Last year I committed to sit every time my sangha was at the dharma center (of 32 opportunities, I missed four. Jes' sayin'...). This year, I was thinking of trying to memorize the Shosai Myokichijo Dharani, which always renders me dumb and mum. I may still. I'll be chanting it daily for six days in about two weeks. Regardless, I mulled, I sat, I went inside to the zendo and sat alone until the morning wake-up bell at 5:50am rang through the monastery.
At the main Sunday service, we had a sagaki ceremony to invite all the hungry ghosts here to be with us, take what they needed, and leave peacefully. It was lovely, fun, and signifigant. I'll post more on that later. SS and I drove home after lunch, and swung into Fubonn market to see if we couldn't come up with some cheap ōryōki rigs. I found some all-plastic bowls that nested into each-other nicely. She dropped me off, and I chilled at home.
Then, when making dinner for myself Monday night and setting out my new bowls, I knew what my ango practice would be. Mindful eating. Duh! I will eat at least one formal ōryōki meal a day this way throughout all of ango. I'll be interested to see what that does for the weight-loss.
More later, my hungry little gakis...
Monday, October 18, 2010
245 (still, but whatever)...
Well, the stall continues. Honestly, I'm really not all that concerned. I've been dealing with these same 4 lbs or so for the past month. At least I'm not gaining.
Yeah, it is a bit frustrating, or disappointing, or what-have-you, but as I said above, I'm not gaining. I suspect that I may be able to hit my October goal of 240 (I think that was the number) by Oct 31st, if only because I'm as broke as the economy for the next few weeks, so I won't be able to afford to over-do anything food-wise.
I do have an idea of what the "problem" is, and it's me. Lack of real substantial exercise is the majority of it, combined with my continuing problem with eating at night. Those two things are really only mitigated by one factor: ME. I have the ability to go get my exercycle back from an ex, but by permission only. I don't have any real way to transport it, and therein lies the problem. I'd use a Zipcar, but I don't have the $30 it'd cost for the 2 hours it'd take to go get it. It'll just have to wait.
Walking in the cold is a real issue for me. My legs tighten (even with a warm-up), I get all wobbly and tremory, and then--at that point--I'm sorta a danger to myself. I really want the bike here, so I can just work out regardless of the weather. Admittedly, it makes me feel a bit trapped at times, but I manage. I suspect that I'd manage even better while still losing weight, though.
The eating at night thing is a combo issue. At night, I do get bored and a touch lonely when a partner's not here with me. Combine that with my herbal medication that I need at night for my spasticity that gives me the classic "munchies" and I have a hard time not eating. But there ARE things I can do to try and address or confront this issue. I just sorta haven't lately. I've been sliding back into that "whatever" place. Not helpful, I know, but I'm trying to be honest about it. I guess it's a bit of burn-out. I've been at this since... May? Frankly, for me to be burning out now is an accomplishment in and of itself. Typically, I'd have given up/in much earlier. Take the victories where you can, Fat Man.
Part of it is also that I'm trying to be gentle with myself, not unlike with zazen/meditation. If I flipped out every time a thought meandered through my mind while meditating, I'd have lost it years ago. There's no point in treating yourself, or meditation, that way. So we are taught that the best thing to respond with is "Hey, cut yourself some slack here. This is actually kinda hard to do, even when you're GOOD at it. You'll get no where punishing yourself." True with zazen. True with weight-loss. I see that pretty clearly.
I wanted to go to GVZM's "Mindful Eating" retreat, but I don't have the cash. I'd like to, really, but I'm still trying to get my financial pins underneath me again after the major hit the wallet took from the Wisconsin visit. I'll do the next available one, sometime in 2011.
All in all, I still feel good about where I am. About 50lbs lost. Staying off. I still have piles of work to do, but that's as it always is with anything worth the results.
Yeah, it is a bit frustrating, or disappointing, or what-have-you, but as I said above, I'm not gaining. I suspect that I may be able to hit my October goal of 240 (I think that was the number) by Oct 31st, if only because I'm as broke as the economy for the next few weeks, so I won't be able to afford to over-do anything food-wise.
I do have an idea of what the "problem" is, and it's me. Lack of real substantial exercise is the majority of it, combined with my continuing problem with eating at night. Those two things are really only mitigated by one factor: ME. I have the ability to go get my exercycle back from an ex, but by permission only. I don't have any real way to transport it, and therein lies the problem. I'd use a Zipcar, but I don't have the $30 it'd cost for the 2 hours it'd take to go get it. It'll just have to wait.
Walking in the cold is a real issue for me. My legs tighten (even with a warm-up), I get all wobbly and tremory, and then--at that point--I'm sorta a danger to myself. I really want the bike here, so I can just work out regardless of the weather. Admittedly, it makes me feel a bit trapped at times, but I manage. I suspect that I'd manage even better while still losing weight, though.
The eating at night thing is a combo issue. At night, I do get bored and a touch lonely when a partner's not here with me. Combine that with my herbal medication that I need at night for my spasticity that gives me the classic "munchies" and I have a hard time not eating. But there ARE things I can do to try and address or confront this issue. I just sorta haven't lately. I've been sliding back into that "whatever" place. Not helpful, I know, but I'm trying to be honest about it. I guess it's a bit of burn-out. I've been at this since... May? Frankly, for me to be burning out now is an accomplishment in and of itself. Typically, I'd have given up/in much earlier. Take the victories where you can, Fat Man.
Part of it is also that I'm trying to be gentle with myself, not unlike with zazen/meditation. If I flipped out every time a thought meandered through my mind while meditating, I'd have lost it years ago. There's no point in treating yourself, or meditation, that way. So we are taught that the best thing to respond with is "Hey, cut yourself some slack here. This is actually kinda hard to do, even when you're GOOD at it. You'll get no where punishing yourself." True with zazen. True with weight-loss. I see that pretty clearly.
I wanted to go to GVZM's "Mindful Eating" retreat, but I don't have the cash. I'd like to, really, but I'm still trying to get my financial pins underneath me again after the major hit the wallet took from the Wisconsin visit. I'll do the next available one, sometime in 2011.
All in all, I still feel good about where I am. About 50lbs lost. Staying off. I still have piles of work to do, but that's as it always is with anything worth the results.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
243.2 (And almost all quiet on the Gallbladder front...)
First off, that number will most likely tick up a bit, as it is an "on empty" reading.
Anyway, the gallbladder's finally quieted down. To say that I've learned my lesson about 9pm mochas is not stating it emphatically enough, to say the least.
A quick word on the shiritaki noodles:
OMFGLOWCARBPWNIES!!!!! These things made for the BEST pho!!! Seriously, I was stunned. Just like rice stick. I was pleased beyond words, and at one point, I did--in fact--tell JB "Sssssh. I'm slurping noodles, and I don't want to spoil the moment with words." My friend TKW educated me on preparation, and the key is shocking them with boiling water to get the funk off them. After that, you're golden. Before that, you're pretty sure that spoiled, rancid tuna had been involved in the manufacturing or packaging process. CCK ran out and got them the night after my TXT review and has used them as well. The future's bright...
Anyway, the gallbladder's finally quieted down. To say that I've learned my lesson about 9pm mochas is not stating it emphatically enough, to say the least.
A quick word on the shiritaki noodles:
Saturday, October 2, 2010
243.8 (on gallbladders and [a] Dharma exercise...)
Well, I'm gonna cop to some stupid stuff here. Last week, my dear friend TKW was here for dinner. She biked in, and we had Ahi tuna steaks on the grill. I started telling her about the low-carb Uber-Mocha I've devised, and we decided that it would be a great idea for me to make one... or two. So I wound up having a mocha with her... at 9pm.
I woke up with my gallbladder trying to punch its way out of my torso -via- my rib cage. It's done this before with coffee late at night, but I thought that since it was a low-carb version, I wouldn't get that sugar dumping thing again. Wrong. Anyway, it seemed to quiet down a bit later that day, and I just thought I'd try and muscle through it.
Fail.
Last night, CCK and I were headed to a zen event I was in charge of running. We needed something to eat on the run, so we swung into the Hawthorne Fish House. Great food, and very lightly fried--not in batter--but brown rice flour. It's about as low-carb as you can get and still be considered a fish fry.
Fry.
I'd totally spaced on the "fried foods" thing and ate a goodly share.
Oi! The pain really started to hit me about an hour afterwords. By the time we got back from the event, all I could do was make pathetic noises and grunts. The thought of moving hurt. On a 1-10 scale, this was easily a 7.5, and I haven't been there in a long while. I took some medicine, including naproxen sodium and settled into a very fitful and painful sleep.
I woke up feeling considerably better today, and had no trouble working the workshop that followed. I actually made cheese omelets for the crew this morning. Had mine, and a pork sausage patty. Had fish tacos for lunch. Then about 3pm, it hit again. This time it's about a 6.o, and naproxen is back in me. More medicine to come. We'll see how it goes.
But the nice thing I had happen today is that I just visited the scale, and I'm down to 243.8! Admittedly, teh angry gallbladder is a very effective diet, but I don't think that's really it. I have been eating, but I think the ANA is starting to work again. They called it: if you stall, just hang in there. Well, that is being road-tested, to be sure.
Today at the event I was "runner" for, I had a staring contest with a multi-grain cracker. I won. Ditto with the hummus, and the apples, and the pears, and the cookies. But of all of them, the cracker was my greatest challenge. I even cut up an olive ciabatta. Not a crumb went into me.
This new strength--this internal fortitude to say 'no'--is so new to me. At times, I wonder where it's coming from. Is this really me doing this? Is this really me who's now lost (depending on where I start counting) over fifty pounds? Ten of which came off while I was on vacation? To Wisconsin?! And if you go from my highest weight (340) nearly a hundred pounds!? I won't count that number, because that was way back in 2001, but I'll damn sure take the fitty. That is a real accomplishment, and for the first time in this entire practice--this entire proccess--I'll say this:
I'm proud of myself.
Tonight, JB is coming by. I took a carcass from a roasted chicken and cooked it with a leek, an onion, a shallot and a few other things along with star anise, cinnamon, clove, coriander seeds and all that whatnot, and will be making phở gà--or Vietnamese chicken soup--my favoirtist soup EVAH. I'll be road-testing the Shiritaki noodles in this. Picture and report to follow.
I woke up with my gallbladder trying to punch its way out of my torso -via- my rib cage. It's done this before with coffee late at night, but I thought that since it was a low-carb version, I wouldn't get that sugar dumping thing again. Wrong. Anyway, it seemed to quiet down a bit later that day, and I just thought I'd try and muscle through it.
Fail.
Last night, CCK and I were headed to a zen event I was in charge of running. We needed something to eat on the run, so we swung into the Hawthorne Fish House. Great food, and very lightly fried--not in batter--but brown rice flour. It's about as low-carb as you can get and still be considered a fish fry.
Fry.
I'd totally spaced on the "fried foods" thing and ate a goodly share.
Oi! The pain really started to hit me about an hour afterwords. By the time we got back from the event, all I could do was make pathetic noises and grunts. The thought of moving hurt. On a 1-10 scale, this was easily a 7.5, and I haven't been there in a long while. I took some medicine, including naproxen sodium and settled into a very fitful and painful sleep.
I woke up feeling considerably better today, and had no trouble working the workshop that followed. I actually made cheese omelets for the crew this morning. Had mine, and a pork sausage patty. Had fish tacos for lunch. Then about 3pm, it hit again. This time it's about a 6.o, and naproxen is back in me. More medicine to come. We'll see how it goes.
But the nice thing I had happen today is that I just visited the scale, and I'm down to 243.8! Admittedly, teh angry gallbladder is a very effective diet, but I don't think that's really it. I have been eating, but I think the ANA is starting to work again. They called it: if you stall, just hang in there. Well, that is being road-tested, to be sure.
Today at the event I was "runner" for, I had a staring contest with a multi-grain cracker. I won. Ditto with the hummus, and the apples, and the pears, and the cookies. But of all of them, the cracker was my greatest challenge. I even cut up an olive ciabatta. Not a crumb went into me.
This new strength--this internal fortitude to say 'no'--is so new to me. At times, I wonder where it's coming from. Is this really me doing this? Is this really me who's now lost (depending on where I start counting) over fifty pounds? Ten of which came off while I was on vacation? To Wisconsin?! And if you go from my highest weight (340) nearly a hundred pounds!? I won't count that number, because that was way back in 2001, but I'll damn sure take the fitty. That is a real accomplishment, and for the first time in this entire practice--this entire proccess--I'll say this:
I'm proud of myself.
Tonight, JB is coming by. I took a carcass from a roasted chicken and cooked it with a leek, an onion, a shallot and a few other things along with star anise, cinnamon, clove, coriander seeds and all that whatnot, and will be making phở gà--or Vietnamese chicken soup--my favoirtist soup EVAH. I'll be road-testing the Shiritaki noodles in this. Picture and report to follow.
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