Now, to reality.
I stopped to think about it just now. I think 167 may be a bit... I don't know. I can't even envision myself at that weight. Then I stopped myself and realized that I've never been able to envision myself at that kind of weight, or in that kind of health. Never. I have spent my whole life being fat. Huge. Morbidly obese. I don't think I have a circuit in my head that can conjure up that kind of visualization!
But on the other hand, there is something new going on in my head. Something very different. There is a voice in there now that is gently encouraging me to do so. For the first time in my life, I feel that this may be possible. It's thrilling. It's scary. It's empowering.
I am still concerned that 167 may be a bit pork-chop-in-the-sky (remember: no pie!) but I am now seeing that setting a few reasonable goals may be worth-while. Now, I think that setting date-specific goals would be counter-productive: an unneeded pressure to succeed at something I'm so new at. I haven't really experienced any of the major pitfalls or stalls yet, so I'm not sure how long they'll take to get passed. Add to that the fact that at some point in this weigh-tloss, my doctor is going to tell me it's time to come off the diuretic for my hypertension, so I may gain some water weight back after that. But I am beginning to think that 10lbs a month for at least the next three or even four months is reasonable and do-able. After that, I think 5lbs a month is not unrealistic. Also, the 167 number just seems a bit low, so I'm gonna pick an ideal weight for me as 175. 175? I can't even believe I'm saying that!
So, having said all that, here are my goals:
- 250 by 09/15/2010: This goal is a bit of a big deal for me. You may recall from reading earlier on in the blog that I missed this a few years ago by three lbs. It will be the lowest weight I've been at since high-school.
- 240 by 10/29/2010: This is the date of the beginning of the Mindful Eating retreat that CCK and I plan to attend at Great Vow Zen Monastery. I will be able to say that I've lost a hundred pounds since 2003, and over fifty pounds since April 3rd, 2010.
- 235 by 11/15/2010: This is the date of the beginning of the Generosity Sesshin at Great Vow, which I am planning on attending. This will be my first "sesshin", or formal zen monastic week-long meditation silent retreat. The vast majority of the reason why I have been so nervous about sesshin is due to my weight.
- 225 by 12/17/2010: This is the first day of the Beginner's Mind retreat, which I also plan to attend.
- 220 by 01/01/2011: That would be an average of about 10lbs a month for 4 months.
Now, I'm not going to really hold on to anything more than the goal of 250. The rest just seems so ephemeral. But if I am going to start visualizing myself as this wholly different person, I should also allow myself the ability to think about when it may happen.
Here's to the future. Now where's my jet pack?