Just got back from the walk to 39th & back. That's just enough to really make me work. Start going down-hill to loosen everything up, then a gentle grade going slowly up-hill to the light at 50th, then a real bit of a climb back up Mt. Tabor to my flat. About 1.6mi, so sayeth Google maps. Come into the flat in a serious huff & puff. I will not lie and say I'm not enjoying the central a/c of D-Flat! Also not lying when I say that I'm starting to enjoy the exercise again. Why oh why do I ever stop doing this? Then again, why do I ever start doing things that make me feel terrible? Maybe some other blog...
Doing okay with the food. My kid asked to crash here last night after having a stressful run-in with her roommate-who-wants-to-be-her-boyfriend, and asked for a pre-crash snack. I'd made the Big Burger with Egg for dinner, and she called at like 10pm, right as I was wrapping up things and heading for bed, so a snack was sorta against my stated policy of not eating after dinner, but we had chips, salsa, vegan sour cream, rice and jalapenos ("deconstructed nachos", essentially). I tried to be good. I was slightly less than good, but only slightly. Was no change in weight this am, so no harm/no foul apparently.
I can feel my metabolism starting to get some traction again, almost like lighting the pilot light on a furnace. Nothing happens without a flame. I also feel my desire to over-eat and stress eat ebbing away again. Thank god. That felt awful. I know I was eating from a place of sadness and loneliness, but that feeling of "out of control" is just awful. I feel like I'm the one behind the wheel again.
Some of the positive control comes from knowing it works. My ex dropped something like 140lbs just from will-power and exercise. She will always be an inspiration to me that way. Part currently comes from my current girlfriend, who's lost about 60lbs so far. She's a bit less inspirational in the regard that she does so by eating meat, which I'm still not jiggy with, but at least she respects my want to do the weight-loss with non-critter protein. But I want to look better for her, and be more attractive to her. That's not only fair, but helps strengthen our relationship, which I value.
But then suddenly, I have yet a new motivation. Someone I've always found very attractive and had a mini-thing for spotted me on OKCupid. She works just down the street. We always talked about getting a drink together. We look at each-other's profiles and see how much we (a-hem...) "have in common". We're gonna catch a beer together tomorrow after she gets off work. This actually makes me feel rather attractive again (in my own unconventional way). I've been feeling really ugly lately, and this just makes me feel like there's hope.
And I know there's hope. I just need to stay serious about this. Like the poem said...
“How shall I a habit break?
As you did that habit make.
As you gathered, you must lose;
As you yielded, now refuse.
Thread by thread the strands we twist,
'Till they bind us neck and wrist.
Thread by thread the patient hand
Must untwine ere free we stand.”
-John Boyle O'Reilly